Michelle Roberton Jones - An Open Book

Just moved ...

2011-07-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

Hi All ... Hope you are all fine & dandy ... living & loving life :)

Just thought i ought to drop you a short line to let you know I have not disappeared :)

You may continue reading "an open book" at http://www.inspiritess.com/blog/

25th September- answers

2009-09-25T13:18:00.001-07:00

Been a long day running through an emotional mill - I saw Suzanne this morning - this self body loathing & feeling of being unsafe in my womanhood & with women had become unbearable - making my mind foggy so there was no space to see ... I was tired of feeling this way about myself.

I spoke initially of my body - how it has repulsed me of late ... my fear of it being like my mothers - she helped me to see that as a child I saw my mothers body in ways a child should not & that it is not the norm - it is almost "acceptable" in society for a child to experience this with a father but a mother - not so - that our first experience of a woman is our mother & so she sets our path for our female relationships until we are strong enough to review them ... - therefore her body would represent to me ugliness & fear ... a body larger than life ... - she helped me to see that the body is not "bad" - it is the energy in the hand that makes the hand bad - not the hand ... these comparisons I have placed on her body & my own have felt raw as in this time I have allowed myself to feel them rather than shoving them down - they have been intense because they must clear so that I can bring this scared grail energy that the Angels have spoken of .. Suzanne took me inside my body & asked me to see if I could feel my mother inside - at first I said I could only feel skin level but then I heard the word - "vulnerability" - I saw that women only attack as a tiger when they are feeling vulnerable - I had never seen my mother has that before ...I then spoke of recent events that have trigged the need to withdraw as I would when I was a child, that dishonesty has been painful, I know in my heart it is not about others but about my mother, these events have just been the Universe helping me to heal – I need to heal mother love, to know that love from a woman is safe because it never was …. - she explored with me this was because in public my mother was one woman & behind closed doors was another that no one knew or saw - hence why my life & how I live as had to be so open so that all can see, that this is me- my feelings, the way I think, the way I live ... I told her that I know we see reflections in others because it is something we are feeling for ourselves, so where in my life was I being dishonest - we explored together so that I could see for myself & found it is where I am not standing in my honesty - I want to say & then withdraw for I cannot bear being shouted down or told that how I feel is not as valid as another woman’s - I remember how I would tell my mother how I was feeling & she would twist to be all about her & how I was the evil child or she would blame another for her behavior not taking responsibility for the hurt she had caused me ... my dishonesty to self is wanting to stand up against this but not feeling brave enough .... Suzanne said that is not victim behavior - it is learnt - a child does not act a victim - it is a victim, as a child we learn certain responses to situations that make us feel vulnerable, that as adults when we are "awake" enough to see we are able to review them - it helped me that she said it is not victim mode but simply helplessness because at that time there was no help available… it was hard for me to swallow that my inner child was behaving as a victim for surely she was – Suzanne bought much comfort today.

We did some role-play enabling me to speak as I would like too, calm, assertive, in a loving manner, truthful & blessing all those on their way & knowing I do not have to accept manipulation or control or dishonesty in my life again - funny how I needed to know that was ok, I suppose I felt "lost in womanhood" I felt I needed a role model to set the pathway … the Angels said I would get lost sometimes for I was having to set a new pathway for myself & my daughter & her daughters ...

I felt much clearer after leaving Suzanne’s, about how I may stand fully in my womanhood without having to feel I need eyes in the back of my head ... but I had a huge headache & felt the healing was not complete - when I got home Nick instantly recognized that I was not myself - all my energy was in my head & I felt like my body was drifting ... I called Suzanne who suggested I came back for a meditation to clear the words still hanging around me ..

I am no fool yet I have never claimed to be a guru, I know I am still learning & healing & what I heal I am then ready to teach or assist another to heal – we cannot share what we do not know from within – otherwise we can only guess how that might be or feel for another, we cannot judge that what we do not know … I know that the Universe makes things intense & so very hard to breath so that we face & deal with things, if I do not accept my womanhood which is the most powerful thing any women can own - then it will just become more uncomfortable & unbearable - so much as healed with regards to the past but this now comes up as I face "being" in my full creative power in all its passion... honoring the holy grail within all women’s sacral …

I went back this afternoon, I saw my mother in front of me - the body I saw was just a body carrying her energy - Suzanne asked me to let it move further & further away from me into the distance ... as it, sorry she got to a certain point I felt a sharp stabbing in my third eye ... followed by much energy filling my body - my energy ... a sort of walnut shell then broke from around me & I sat alone in my body ... there was a space to step into ... Suzanne said she felt a porthole opening & that for the next 48 hours it is important that I fill my body with my energy & distance myself from my mothers energy, allowing it to move further away - see my body as my body & not reflection of hers .. I told Suzanne about the stabbing in the third eye - she called it a mind attachment, meaning that my mind has preconceived how my body looks meaning I have not been allowed to see it for what it truly is ..... a much too old veil of illusion - I am shaking so much as I write to you – this all feels very bare & vulnerable … I am cold & tired & I feel the past few weeks have finally made sense meaning I can breath, heal & move onwards. I do not feel I need to go back, I need to do what is sacred to my body, to be honest with my feelings & not devalue them for another ... at last hold my body, & all my energy as my own ....

I have decided this evening that I cannot do an open book anymore; maybe it is while I settle into knowing it is ok to be a woman … maybe not – I will wait for guidance.

– my life in these four walls, my feelings & prayers, my relationship with myself & my children, Nick & friends need sacred & private time for a while – if people choose to read my journal they have to respect that it is my private thoughts that I am sharing & they are reading – my hurt that I am expressing which is private like all relationships with journals are … an open book was guidance from the Angels asking me to share my life to show others that I am not an angel therapist –I am me – this is my life something that is not turned on for visitors but the way the children & I live every single day – that to be spiritual is to live a full spiritual life in all areas – it is not about writing books, leading workshops or being place on some ridiculous pedestal for we cannot reach others from high up on a pedestal, it is not about wearing a mask pretending to be love & light when there is fear inside .. – we cannot lead where we have not been – only the light may shine through the darkness….

17th September - I belong ..

2009-09-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

I belong to ...

the wind,

to the light,

love,

a baby's cry,

a lover's whisper,

the green luscious hills,

hope,

peace,

tears of joy,

my child's innocence,

the blue summer sky,

the first frecle,

cool sands,

clean bed sheets,

the curve of his back.

I was made for

dancing,

singing,

Swirling, twirling,

laughing,

writing,

kissing,

sighing,

me,

the unexpected, the limitless ...

15th September - doorways opening ...

2009-09-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

Have arrived in Spain...

A day of mixed feelings - left for Bournemouth airport early so we could visit a distributors for Sebastian - very excited as they loved it & said they will come up with some sort of agreement & get back to me on my return ... felt doorways opening for Sam & I - a huge step taken.

For the rest of the day, kind of felt I was watching my body - have not felt in it at all ... Until now as I write to you & all I feel is exhaustion that has been stored up.

The air is cool - the crickets are singing - it is time for sleep.

7th September - beautiful healing x

2009-09-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

My tipi has arrived!!!!!! Pink candy striped with flowers & fairies inside - how cool!!! Very excited. Have sat in it - perfect size for writing & tea parties - of course *grin* Some amazing adventurers are going to be had!!

A lovely yet strange day - just bumbling again - as the stream bubbles over the rocks ...was meant to help a very dear friend clear her mum's house but my car would not start - felt so bad as I wanted to support her & pay my respects to her mum - I guess the angels knew this was something for her to do alone - with her mother. So I lit a candle & prayed for the two of them - & then felt I needed to do something ... I found myself calling Sunnie in from the garden & suggesting the two of us cleaned & cleared her room - bowls of water, damp cloths & chaos!! - ... I felt the energy of Sunnie & I supporting my friend & her mother - it was extremely beautiful & - light!!

Thank you Beloved for the healing & love that has blessed all those that I love today - thank you...

Very, very tired now - off to bed x x

6th September - Contented Sunday

2009-09-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

Gosh I am stuffed!!! .... not only with good food (in absolute awe of how different & fab home grown vegetables taste) but stuffed with love too.

Have had a day of just bumbling about doing odd jobs, getting bits tidied but we have all been together in a sense .. content in being in the same space yet attending to our individual tasks.

See I say, the children can do it! including Sunnie! No longer can she fool me with "I need you to be my entertainer ways", for now I know she can be content -as long as she is creating "something" you would not know she is here ... wonder where she gets that from *grin*.

The full moon has been kind to me. I have felt her grace in my life these past few days - a wonderful hush - the light reflects on the calm ocean of my life. At last in these still waters I can hear the "silent" hum of spirit that comforts me. I am content, I am full. I at this moment - peace.

Thank you Beloved for this Sunday, for the magic buzz of activity in the house today & the silent presence of spirit flowing through & around all the spaces - thank you .

Than you Mother Earth for the delicious & "ohhh" highly nutritious food you have blessed our meals with - the inspiration it has given the children to help out in the kitchen with cooking (that trips to Sainsburys has definitely never inspired) - thank you - Amen x x

4th September - ordered my pink, candy striped tipi!!

2009-09-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

Ordered my “tipi” today … it is pink candy striped with fairies & flowers on the inside – my inner child is sooooo excited!!!!

Feel I have taken a giant step towards writing my book – I spoke to the children this evening re the purpose of the tipi & the boys – bless them, were most agreeable about it, coaching Sunnie into the fact that mummy really does need some time & to not keep unlocking the toilet door to talk to me – she then had a whole list of[possible urgent scenarios & enquired if she needed “time” could she borrow my tipi!!

By hook or by crook I will have this time, Sunnie Mia x x

I have also found on the net an amazing real tipi that is big enough to have four double mattresses in!! So I am praying that my little tipi with love & water will one day grown into a big tipi that we can all have sacred space in,

including visitors.

Nick just looks & shakes his head at me – there is hope, honest *grin* - I am happy & excited & that is the main thing, I know I am making steps into feeding my soul.

Interesting meditation this morning, where I saw my surviving ovary & my absent spiritual ovary on those old scales like the Libra star sign. They were off balance – very gently as it was a little uncomfortable physically & energetically – which was strange – the scales were moved so they were evenly balanced. Felt heaps better.

Children have been lovely today – Morgan got a DVD of the Muppet show for his birthday – so they have been sitting giggling at that – funny how those two old men still bring a smile to my face.

My heart lights up every time I think of the children this week. They bring my life so much joy – I am so proud of the wonderful beings they are – so full of spirit – it just oozes out of every crevice possible.

I thank you Beloved for family, for the love that is squeezed here just under one roof – thank you,

I thank you for spirit in all the magnificent forms it reveals itself to me in my daily life. Thank you x x

1st September - camping adventures

2009-09-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am at camp! The children are having the most amazing time, archery, bungee trampolining, swimming, canoeing, camp fires, and Dale singing, toasted marshmallows & fruit kebabs. Have not seen sight or sound of Sunnie, she has found a little “posy” of girls which is something she has ached for, for some time.

This morning went for a run with Sarah in the woods, so uplifting to be breathing in the trees again, I have missed my time running in the woods with Lulu.. We were like a couple of children, hugging trees, lying in the deep wet grass, running & whooping through the fields – energy was pumping through & around me – fantastic & deliciously satisfying!

Got back & showered in peace – coffee & croissants & then we meditated in the woods – food for the soul. Dale & Jules supervised the children so Bird & I could have this much needed sacred morning – we have both vowed to do this one morning a week, this is sacred time that both of us need – to not play any role in life but to simply be.

Wrote a poem yesterday called “Beneath” – something that I Have not done for a very long time… have purposefully made time for conscious creation.

In meditation this morning I was being shown myself writing – how it felt, what I needed to get into that space – then me now, - how I feel now … & the gap between the two. Sarah was guiding me (it is the first exercise in the invitation”) – writing I felt full, my heart was huge & brimming with light & passion, excitement pumped through my veins … the “me” now I felt I want to write but there were “buts” – lake my home closing in on me – not having the space to breath at home & I felt unsafe, like even to meditate I need to have a thousand pairs of eyes to keep guard…. I know his is because I am still living on “old ground”… So again the message is clear that to move is important. .

Meditated this evening – the Angels were leading me on a pathway through the woods, I kept trying to veer off onto another path, the Angels pulling me back to the original path … as I approached the end of the pathway I saw an Angel sitting at a desk. She was writing, as I got close she wrote “The End.”, closed the book, and gave it to me saying “the book is already written.”

I saw that by “doing it” anyway rather than waiting for what I feel I needed first – such as living in beauty, peace & quiet, time out from the children – that the walls of my home were not brick but paper thin & fell away to nothing - as I write setting me free from all current boxes – woo hooo I cry!!

And so Beloved, Beloved Angels I vow now to you & my heart to begin – no matter what x x

30th August - feeling alive.

2009-09-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

Slept much better - only up twice, think it was simply that my "inner child" was feeling unsafe about our first camping trip tomorrow & needed that fear acknowledged. I have also being having one of those "ugly weeks" which has not helped - do all women have these???

I watched an old college friend walk pass me today - she has always walked with such confidence, chin op, a certain look on her face that Says "I know I am beautiful" - greeting the world with her "whatever it is.." 21 years later & she still walks with this look...

Waffling again, clearly on my mind.

Meditated today, exploring my inner realm of peace, when the angels surrounded me in a warm glowing sense of love, I heard "trust" ... they then said that I only seem to connect with them "purposefully" for someone else or write with them for another & that I needed to do these things "purposefully" for myself too - as yes, I am here to be of service to others but the Angels have gifts they wish to bless me with as an individual yet they cannot for I do not allow that connection or that openness to receive from the Angels or that space I desire so much to write for self.

I was then guided to draw 3 cards from the higher chakra healing set - first I was told to acknowledge the beauty in what I had created with them - this was very healing - I had pulled the throat, sacral & solar plexus, all 3 being interconnected for we cannot have power without creation & visa versa for it is one of the same thing - again I was urged to take daily creative time.

I was then guided to draw 2 power animal cards - one represented fear, this was asking me to be aware of where in my life I was still fearful & hand it over to love - I feel this is about moving. The second was about respect, respecting this desire in me to be creative & allowing sacred time & space for that but also requesting that others respect my time & space.

The message for facebook today was to allow creativity daily so that life may be blessed with opportunities for change of direction.

I felt an urge to paint fairies, have not done so before, so I sat with Sunnie this afternoon, who was over the moon & together we created a couple of gnomes & fairies - really good fun - my gnome definitely looks like a cat! I felt afterwards as if I had honored a "calling" I felt fulfilled from the inside which I have to admit as been missing for a while. Why I have allowed this space to stop, I don't know but I do know I cannot afford to. My spirit sings when I am creating & therefore so does my heart... I know & feel I am alive!

Talking of creating, pulled up my first ever pumpkin - it's enormous - have decided to make a curry with it when we get back from camp.

So, yes, off to camp tomorrow. I am at peace with this now, will be really great for the children to do some rock climbing, archery, canoeing .. & being with other home ed children.

Thank you Beloved for this day, for the love & peace I have been blessed with.

Thank you for the guidance I have received, the gentle yet firm hands I feel supporting me - thank you.

Thank you for all the ways in which I am blessed with love.

Thank you for showing me the parts of me that seek my love & attention, & for giving me the courage to listen.

Thank you for this passion, for this "being alive" that sustains my body, my heart, my desire to be here, my wanting to share life & all that I am. Thank you x x

29th August - facing the fear.

2009-09-04T13:12:00.000-07:00

Woke up exhausted – have had 3 bad nights sleep in a row, up almost twice every hour … these days are hard having to drag myself out of bed to attend to the children when all I want is to curl up in a ball under the duvet – think my tummy is wobbly because an inner child is. Going to camp on Monday & “she” feels unsafe, I do not know exactly where we are going or even all the details or what to expect. I know the best medicine for this part of me is to go & have fun – face the fear & see that it really wasn’t that bad after all but wouldn’t it be easier to stay in a pretty safe prison where “she” is happy.

I am not sure if the energies are emotionally charged for all at present or whether for the first time as a woman I am not offended *grin* to admit that it could be my hormones!!! Do they function balanced with one ovary???? I just seem so up & down since June, being a “yo - yo” is not as much fun as it is cracked up to be!!! I can accept all these emotions as they come & go but the spaces of silence in between is too God dam short in my opinion (excuse my French) I desire some emotional balance for this is tiring. Nick is being so patient & attentive today – he took the children out to build a fire in the woods, they loved it – little shamans!! I slept at home, urging myself back to “mummy mode” as they charged through the door caked in mud & stinking to the high heavens of smoke – funny how our children are our sanity & our insanity.

Started to read a really beautiful book today – “the invitation”, the first words enveloped me & pulled me right in – seducing me. She writes from her heart – real words from her life, no shame in her past, her actions, only a desire to share her learning through her own “mistakes” – it is not another regurgitating spiritual book simply said in another way – I feel very inspired by her, it seems that is ok to write & share the lows & the highs – her drive for life.. I just felt “Wow” here is someone else that understands that there is no choice in “giving up” – beautiful, incredible, honest, inspiring.

Yes Beloved Angels I am hearing your urges louder every day & this time I am not scared – I am ready-… thank you x x x

26th August - Love crumble.

2009-08-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

Really lovely day with all the children & a few extras - Speeny, Alex & Jules - went to the PYO farm - was good fun, exploring, finding rich yummy fruits, eating one, potting one, nettle stings, sticky fingers, full bellies, berry fights!! Who needs theme parks!!

Came home & we all made dinner together - some peeling, some chopping, some stirring, some making crumble. We were all so full, Harrison said it was because his secret ingredient was love - bless him, he is so beautiful.

I forgot to tell you the other day he said that seeing as he was nearly 13 he might like to go out on his bike to the woods on his own sometimes - I said that would be fine - & if he liked he could call me "mum" not "mummy." He replied that he wanted to call me "mummy" until he was at least 15, he liked calling me "mummy" & besides he didn't go to school anymore so there was no need to try & be cool by calling me "mum."

He is so funny, sensitive & light. So glad I made that leap of faith & took him out of school, he is a different child... chatty, sociable, funny & in tune with life. He said that sometimes he knows when something is coming because he feels it in his forehead & his heart....

So a day full of love, good food & fun, have a feeling we will all sleep well in full bellies & full hearts.

I am cream crackered!!

Feeling stronger every day in my "chosen"landscape - less dithering, less "can'ts & hows" from sub - personalities, simply excitement of what IS & what IS to come.

The daily treasures are abundant, it is just being present to see & feel them... not trapped in the woes of yesterday.

Thank you Beloved for this day, for love, for joy & for crumble!

Amen x x x

25th August - Three Cheers for Bird!!

2009-08-27T07:35:00.001-07:00

Woke up aware of choice - to spend this day focused on what I wish to create with an attitude of gratitude or to wallow in what is not, if that makes any sense ... choose to focus on what I choose to create while "be-ing" what I choose to be ...

Lovely morning to myself, Nick took the children swimming while I wandered around Brighton. Got Mog his birthday presents, then went to Neils Yard for my body oil...set free an intention/creation by asking the lady to make a new blend for me rather than the usual - one that has no contra - indications for early pregnancy. Felt really good to stand in a creation for the "fuzzy felt" board & take a step towards it to. No niggling comments from others why I can't - fantastic!!

The desert in my mind & heart is no longer a desert, just like those blank pages where you just add water for a picture to appear by magic - the desert is transforming ... green valleys, beautiful open home, 5 children, Sanctuary of angels, writing books, colour, vibrant rich colours - not only is the desert transforming but so too is my energy, I "Know" with all parts of me - there is a "knowing" all is so...

How perfectly the angels explained what it is that is requested of me at the moment - simply to dream, pictures on my "fuzzy felt board" - the "no-mans" land of not being sure of what can grow is fading.

Bird popped in for tea - told her she could only come if she was accompanied by cake - & she bought one too!! *grin* I have missed her so much, feels like she has missed 100 chapters of my life in 5 weeks ... I love her so much, no fluffy business, she just gets straight to the point & thats ok because I know she loves me - that is the difference in how things are said - with or without love.

Got the to "point" of what my place in Sanctuary of angels is ... re being guided to step back nearly 2 years ago now & write a book ... & what is stopping me - "Celebs" came up again - third time in just a few days with "woman energy" attached to it ... the only word I could say was "fake" ... (& I have a sense of manipulation) I need to be real, honest, open, to share my good & bad days, highs & lows, nitty & gritty for if I am feeling "it" someone else in the world is too & it is only by being honest & sharing we can help each other - the "celeb" world seems to only show me a "falseity" or perfection that does not feel real - it feels like suddenly there is a mask, an untouchable mask - what does not help is that I know people in this place & I think they feel they have to be this way which is sad ... keep up appearances I suppose - where is the soul in that.

Bird said I needed to find somebody in the "celeb" world to admire that is real & she spoke of Oprah Winfrey - Bird said she shows all parts of herself, her weight problems, her past abuse, being accepted as a black woman in America - she is real & inspires others through her "realism". I felt a "breeze block" move out of my way & allow a space for me to follow what I have known in me for too long - I must write. Finally I give myself permission to progress, to create, to feel inspiration flowing in my veins again!

Who knows where finally writing the book will lead - yet I had already allowed my ego to pre - design my destiny & therefore scare me out of not doing what I love - write.

To pick up a pen & let it dance across the pages not even knowing the steps is simply one of the best & exciting feelings I know.

So three cheers for Bird!!!! And I think that last piece of chocolate cake too!!

Walked Lulu on the beach this evening, sea breeze blasting through my hair, releasing all those fangled, tangled cobwebs ... so good to feel creative again - in fact it feels like passion!!!

Thank you Beloved for this day, the new I have been blessed with, the Love I have shared, the beauty I have seen, felt , known & heard,
Thank you for friends, beautiful friends.
Thank you for chocolate Cale *grin*
Thank you for the ocean, the stars, the moon, for love, for dreams, & for wishes that do come true.

Amen x x x

24th August - Fuzzy Felts ...

2009-08-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

Slept with a sphere of rose quartz last night after writing to you - I remember drifting off feeling comforted ... up this morning - a new day ... run, meditation, again the messages I received were of love & comforting. I had tears in my eyes but I cannot remember the words although I have tried to find them a couple of times today - there were simply for then & blessed me with what I needed - tears.

Went for a bike ride along the beach with the children this afternoon, felt good to be out in the fresh air with them, laughing in the sunshine at sunnie's complete lack of road sense - dizzy dolly ... nothing else mattered any more - free of drama - peaceful.

I have felt that "desert" around me today - I have not been here before - on the edge of a cliff - yes, waiting to take that leap of faith but not here ... it is not waiting for my faith or courage, it is waiting for"new life" I think - I hear "yes" but I feel I need more direction than that "patience, it will come ..."

It is not uncomfortable like the "big squeeze", that invisible force that waits with little patience for me to take action, it is just a "lost - ness" I guess, while new land forms & grows "that is it" I hear.

So much old has had to break down personally over the last 9 years to allow simply "wasteland" as we would call it but I am being shown "plains" as in a blank canvas for all that I desire to grow - no more old roots, old beliefs or karma of family to carry ... what I have not been doing is choosing & the staying in the trust of that choice - not the how or when more a part of me believing I can or am worthy of such new choices of my making.

On top of that much old is breaking down for the team as in the passion needs re-firing - stoking up I am being shown but for themselves in their own passion rather than me "be-ing" the hot poker -

On top of this I am being shown much old is breaking down collectively having an effect on all - choice is to "join in " with the drama & lose faith or "step out" & see that all breaks down to bring something new - ie something breaks beyond repair & it has to be replaced .. the sooner we acccept this collcetivley the less sticky the flow will be.

A wise man is siting before me as I write - a white beard, he is nodding - I am understanding. New for everyone is waiting for a greater strength of standing in choice - we seem to decide, choose & then get knocked off by a sub personality, another or what appears to be going on in the country, the world -

I have clarity now I am calm beofre it could not reach me, the tension of the New Moon has released me from its grip, yet I am always blessed to discover something beautiful after this phase, uncomfortable as it maybe.

I can see now a "fuzzy felt" picture - I used to love fuzzy felts ... it does not matter that I may feel a little lost in these "plains", its like the first day at school feeling small in such a large space - not knowing the surroundings, the people, the daily routine, the expectations ... all that matters is that I live for & in each moment, dreaming my desires for my life & focusing on them - trusting I can have them & all will be in its time - Thy will not my will. This is what this "uncertain" time is about - it is "uncertain" because it is not yet created -

I hope this is not all waffle to you *smile*

Once some foundations have been laid on the canvas, then I will see the pathways I am being told.

Gosh feel soooo much lighter.

I thank you Beloved, Beloved God, Beloved Angels for this day, for the beauty I am blessed to walk in , for the warm sun rays that bless me with light & joy, for my children that bless my day with laughter & play.
Thank you for my friends, a wonderful team of passionate beautiful people. Thank you for the daily miracles of love, peace & abundance I am blessed with. All is well in my world.

I pray Beloved you may bless the family next door in their love, their peace, their comfort, their healing, their light. Please look after the lady's soul & welcome her in to your arms. Let her know her family are safe & loved.

Please bless the lonely in their companionship, their love, their wholeness, their peace.

Please bless all those in power in their truth, in their compassion, in their humility, in their integrity, in their light.

Please bless the sick in their health, in their wholeness, in their love, in their peace, in their freedom.

Please bless my children in their beauty, in their creativity, in their love, in their joy.

Please bless Sanctuary of Angels in its love, in it s growth, in its compassion, in its truth, in its strength, in its light.
Amen x xx

14th August - Babaganoush

2009-08-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

A day that will be kept with love as one of my hidden treasures. I met Nick, Dale & Juliette in Brighton for some yummy dinner at "Bills" - my time with Dale grows more precious as he grows older, stolen moments in between Harrison, Morgan & Sunnie - so to sit & eat & laugh & chat nonsense was divine! Tasted "babaganous" for the first time & it seemed apt to bless Dale with a new nickname ...

Juliette is beautiful - we have grown close this past month sharing coffee in town & shopping sprees, she feels a rich part of my family something I knew I would want - for my children to have partners that became "my children."

Went to see "Time Travelers' wife" after dinner - another landmark on our history - Dale & I have read this book between us over & over since he was 13 & wept each time ... I was nervous that the film would take away the intense emotions explored in the book, I knew Dale was just as anxious for the film not to ruin his memories of the book - yet both of us still curious.

All four of us - well everyone in the cinema blubbed - Jules of course the loudest!

Then hugs & kisses as I see my "babaganoush" holding hands with his love, running off to catch a bus into the night.

No one - No one ever said being a mum breaks your heart over & over ...

I spoke to Dale over dinner about my need to move completely out of Sussex, with no need to ever enter this "old land" again - New Zealand seems like a landmark in the far distance - where as Bath's green valleys seemed & felt more achievable for now ..

"Just go Mum" he said "I know how unhappy you are here, I can't keep you here because of me & I don't want to."

That hurt & it didn't hurt - I know he loves me - on the other hand I have NIck sulking over the idea that I will not wait in Sussex til the end of his service - 12 years!! - which is unconditional love - the one who sets me free or the one who holds on ???

My dreams have been random nightmares with no sense - & so vivd - it is not comfortable here ... I seek green valleys, new fresh land that will nourish my dreams & children ... peace & space to grow ... x x x

That time is coming - could be a sign?? but on way home from Bath which was pretty depressing - I though how lovely it would be if Caroline put her house up for rent - from her home you can see all the lush green hills & nothing else for miles upon miles - & then spoke to Laura who just dropped into conversation that Caroline is planning on putting her house up for rent in about 6 months -

I trust the Angels will guide me to the right home for all of my family to grow in new & wonderful ways .. & all will happen in divine timing

Amen x x

17th July ...Softness to the edges

2009-08-17T11:57:00.000-07:00

Woke up feeling "soothed" for want of a better word, there seemed to be a calmer welcome to the day as I opened my eyes ...

Leisurely morning meditation, pancakes & fruit for breakfast, tidying up "odd,s & ends" ... clearing away the school work so the children & I feel we are on the summer hols.

Got an email form Nick first correspondence since argument on Wednesday - did not feel a need to respond, just clicked "delete" ... an awareness of love as I did so - I do love him & always will - like my parents I will always love them no matter what abuse they caused but I cannot be in these people's energy for my own well - being & sanity - I can love from a distance on a soul level, bless them everyday in their light & healing - knowing, seeing, feeling their essence ...

Slowly since Wednesday I have "come back" to myself & I realize that it is for the best that I do not have any form of relationship with Nick at this moment in time - our energies just collide - he simply needs to collect the children as arranged, without entering my energy - sad, yes but right now I need my space & freedom to be "me" in strength - not to be knocked off center feeling like a "yo yo" ... in time I know I will be stronger but the drowning of "me" has been too much of late.

I clearly saw today what my "lessons" have been these past two crazy weeks ... each incident has dis - empowered me. I saw that the Angels have been trying to show me where in my life I am still giving my power away, kind of like "leaking." ... there is much new light inside from the initiation prior to these two weeks yet it can only shine as I stand in my power in all areas of my life ... feeling financially dependent on Nick to help pay for a roof over our head, arguing over what should be provided for the children & doing pretty much 95% of it myself - not having control of website & being dependent upon another to be there to do it, feeling small in the company of those who have wrongly judged my actions & so on ...

I thanks the Angels for this clarity, I see clearly where I am still dependent upon another, this clarity has bought a "softness" to the edges ... I pray Beloved Angels that you may fill me with the courage & self - love I need to step into the spaces you are so lovingly creating for me ... I see you are assisting me to be all that I am, in all the light I could possibly be for the highest good of all, I see you are answering my prayers for higher love & freedom - thank you x x x

Amen.

July 16th - chips & chocolate

2009-07-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

Early stroll on the beach - more clearing to do - the burning of interjects is a very powerful process.

Lynda handed in her notice - another blow - that old feeling coming up of being out of power by needing or being reliant on another - feel I need to learn to be able to change the text myself this feeling has come round too many times ...

Sat in the garden &

Had a very firm message from the Angels - why are they always right *grin*.. Even when they seem "cross" with me, or are they being firm but kind.

"You have & know the tools to lift your energy & vibration & change this illusion. Let it pass & stop sitting in it!"

Guess that told me x x

Maybe I just won't talk to them for a while - *grin* - maybe I like sitting in it - maybe I want to feel this a bit longer ... feeling quite stubborn, too often I move quickly out of the sludge but the sludge today is somehow appealing ... the sludge is comfort food which is most unlike me!

Sarah came over - my day "small" in comparison to her heartache - I snapped out off it for love for Sarah - we drove to the beach - had run out of chocolate - & ate chips on the beach - went to cinema, got home 11.45pm & children were in awe that I then made us all hot marmite toast & hot chocolate ...

Thank you Beloved for this day - knowing I can be real & feel & that is ok - there are days when the light is not on & that is ok too - I am here for me too ...

I thank you for the comfort & love of good friends.

I thank you for chips on Brighton beach, hot chocolate & warm buttered toast.

I bless Lynda in her freedom, may she truly fly on her new adventures.

I bless Bird with love & healing - may her heart be free of all pain x

July 15th - spiritual detox

2009-07-17T10:02:00.001-07:00

A real "BOOM" to the start of the day - straight in to an argument with Nick, completely
knocked me out of my center - over finances as usual, his first call of concern in life, thinks he is giving too much! - how he does not see that money will not flow all the time he holds such anger & bitterness towards it - certainly not "attractive" & to think he can give the children & I less - how marvelous these men can leave & pass the whole responsibility onto others - when will he learn to be responsible for himself & those he created ... Gosh that feels better!!!

Sarah came over .. we went for a drive around Lewes, so that I could "feel" the area I would like to move too .. we then cooked a meal together, actually that is not true - she taught me how to cook Thai curry - not sure why the children always prefer the cooking of others! Sarah & I then sat writing down all interjects we hold relating to relationships with men & all those holding me back from moving home ... very, very cleansing to burn them & set them free - a marvellous spiritual detox!

The Angels then helped me write a new affirmation which is proudly displayed on the fridge door ..

I can have & be anything that my hearts knows to be true ...

The world is my oyster, my new home is ready to welcome me...

I can have & know true unconditional love ..

I am free...

I am beauty ...

I am abundant ..

I am free of doubt.

I am free of the doubt of others.

With courage, the only way now is forward!

Thank you Beloved for the "shedding" of old released into the flames for the highest good of all.

Thank you Beloved for the courage that fills & surrounds me. I know all is well in my heart.

Thank you for "holding" me when I want to give up & run!

Thank you for all good things that flow into my life daily with ease & grace x

I ask Beloved that you may protect Dale on his journey & bring him home safely.

I ask Beloved that I may lay our new home in your hands, knowing that you will guide us x x

July 14th - morning dew

2009-07-17T09:55:00.000-07:00

Meditated this morning - found myself walking in a garden in the early hours of a spring morning ... bare feet, freshness of the dew on the grass, new life in the air, new beginnings - felt cleansed in this inner garden...

Have had a peaceful yet active day - good to be out & about now from the four walls - an independent woman again! Simply nipping out for an ice - cream was divine.

Thank you Beloved for this day, the newness, the glimpses of clarity, your guidance.

July 13th - not here or there ...

2009-07-14T13:57:00.001-07:00

A funny day - not here & not there really. An eery calm after last week's storm that could cause feelings of "unsettlement" in one moment & relief in the next ...

Meditated this evening - my hair was washed in a river & all thoughts of the past tangled in my hair were washed away with the flow - a native american guide massaged my brow & showed me the painting I had done for this chakra from the chakra set.

Have just pulled a few inner child cards - Alice in Wonderland, five of hearts, two of swords & pied piper. I see how closely my dreams & reality are at present & I must maintain my faith & trust, not get led away on a merry dance of another but listen to my heart for being led away while between "here & there" is a vulnerable time - as when we all make new choices there is a l time, a space to fully stand in our new choice or belief or return to the old "comfortable" ways - my thoughts must remain aligned with my heart - the light of my heart clearing all fear. I am surrounded by much spiritual support but only free of "egos mental chatter" will I hear their guidance ...

All makes perfect sense -

I called Housing Benefits today to see what help is available for the children & I to move - he brandded labels such as DSS, & how society & landlords view that "label" - it did not seem to matter that I have been a "good tenant" for over two years, simply a life circumstance creates an instant label - he spoke of the difficulties in moving - I felt disheartened that begin on my own with the four children was seen in such a negative manner ... the cards this evening have shown me what I must do ... our new home is "above" these illusions, the angels will guide that it is time for new land for my roots to grow & so I will be guided - this I trust.

Feel so much lighter writing to you Beloved friend - an empty page a complete blessing - thank you.

Have made a mental note to burn all un loving interjects related to our new home tomorrow!

I thank you Beloved for the heeling I received today in meditation & guidance.

I thank you for the love & support I feel around me. Thank you - Amen x x x

12th July - good old "me" time ..

2009-07-14T13:38:00.001-07:00

Just had the most brilliant weekend staying at Sarah's, having some good old "me" time.

Always laugh so much with "Bird", there is a simple understanding of humor & all "my ways" - & I know hers, we cannot hide - funny how Spencer & Harrison have always behaved as if they have been man & wife in a past life since Reception Class, Harrison still "mothers" Speeny like some old woman - maybe their "mums" have shared a similar life time too .

Have shed so many lingering beliefs by letting my hair down & having a marvelous time of laughing & dancing - 0h, can't believe we gate crashed a party - at the ripe old age of 37 too - never too old to try new things *smile*

Have felt "Swan Presence" around me today & the message "grace" - when I looked it up it is about acknowledging inner beauty & allowing it to radiate with the innocence of a child - feel that in the fun of the weekend this has been allowed to happen - so a big thank you to Sarah for dragging me out in the rain & in my boots!!

Oh the innocence of childhood - just checked on Sunnie & delivered a "gold coin" - she makes me smile - every tooth she looses she pops it in her pot & leaves a full on twenty question form for the fairies to full in with a small pencil so that there are no excuses for the boxes not being filled in - this time she has left a chocolate button, 2 raisins & a penny too ... she keeps all her answered questionnaires neatly in a folder - how beautiful when she has these to share with her little girl.

Have found an area to live on the internet that I feel very drawn too - there is one particular house that the angels keep showing me but I prefer the other one *grin* - typical you - I hear x

So I will call tomorrow & make some physical action to show the universe I am ready to leave this "pretty prison" I have created. Children seem to be more chilled about moving now, I explained I would not move unless it was really ,really important to me, on some level I knew they understood.

So off to bed now - still buzzing from my adventures with Sarah & looking forward to the freedom ahead.

Thank you Beloved for laughter, dancing, loving friends & compassionate children.

Thank you for the tooth fairies & magic in all its wonderful forms.

Thank you for abundance in all good things, for grace, for acceptance ,for love... Amen x x

9th July - old music & head banging therapy

2009-07-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

"dear, dear! How queer everything is today! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've changed in the night? Let me think - was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is "who in the world am I?" Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

Alice's adventures in Wonderland 1865

Love the apt of the quote on your page today as I write to you...

Did not wake up "me" again - what highly charged emotional times we are having, the full moon this week has bought out much in its glow.

I wanted to crawl under my duvet & simply live there forever with a never ending supply of Rachel's shortbread for company ... but the children would not allow it!!

Meditated with the children this morning rather than our separate moments, that made the desire to cry stronger, the energy of their love & innocence so bright...

So sat outside for a bit alone while they got on with individual studies of a native american historic person, which I add they are really enjoying.

Th energy of the horse was all around me still from yesterday, so after mediating I read up on the "horse." It is about bringing in more divine power to bless my life with movement & new freedom. I placed a picture of a horse on my altar & intend to meditate there in a while once "miss Sunnie" has settled in her bed - she is still roaming the corridors looking for ways to stay up as I write to you.

This afternoon gave myself some good "old music & head banging therapy" - blasted out old tunes - The cranberries, Dido, The Corrs, Foofighters, Oasis, Texas, Tracy Chapman .. dancing & singing - then sat down to more mellow tunes to knit my rainbow blanket - felt bloomin marvelous - sounded like Bonnie Tyler after 3 hours but highly cleansed & invigorated.

All seems quiet now, so will say good night for now Beloved Friend.

I thank you Beloved for music, for voice, for this body that allows my soul to move through this world.

I thank you for my children, my rays of joy.

I thank you for rainbow colored wool & the peace it knits into my life.

Amen x x x

July 8th - a huge adventure

2009-07-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

Woke up before alarm ... Goddess day!!

Felt light & looking forward to allowing a day for me to be "guided" rather than the "guide."

Saw Cinthia for first time since last year - her heart a magnificent sun in all its warm glory. What divine hugs she gives - "hugs" really does not match all that they are & she is.

First meditation was a little awkward, felt like I was being "scanned" so allowed that to pass ... Rachel spoke of a boat on the ocean with someone special in it - straight away I saw Captain Jack Sparrow - how divine that Johhny Depp had finally found me *grin* - then Rachel said a Goddess was in the boat, so I completely lost my vision & experienced feelings & energy rather than sight.

Next exercise was enlightening - found to my delight that I wrote the things I love about my body, mind & spirit before "dislikes" & that the "dislikes" were fewer than the loves - fewer than they would have been say a year ago - the "dislikes" were spoken of by the Angels as I wrote them, so the core was Clear to see - fantastic to bring these pieces to the light & acknowledge how at peace I truly feel in my physical body.

Next meditation was all fine & beautiful. Rachel has the perfect voice for guiding & holding you with her soft tone... & then she asked us all in our Goddess form to step out of the building & onto the balcony for all to see our magnificence & light ... I just could not go out there - the balcony suddenly felt like beyond my home & "unsafe" - I was not sure if I would fit or if others would welcome me in all that I am - love, for love is often rejected. This really bought home to me how my home has become my sacred safe space & how I have hidden myself from the "balcony."

And it did not end there - our exercise after a very yummy lunch was to write to ourselves here & now from the future Crone - at sixty years of age - could not do it - I felt I had no "role model"or experiences to base the "crone" upon in which to guide me... this mother thing that I am doing here & now is a new pathway that I am creating - not the abusive one my mother walked & so I "mother" my children & myself from day to day in new ways & doing the best I can in creating a pathway that does not carry abusive patterns of the past ... so to picture me 33 years ahead I could not do for the steps were too far ahead.

Our day ended with Goddess crowns, a blessing ceremony which was beautiful & crystal gifts. As I held my crystals I saw a wild white horse galloping round & round a fenced in area, whining ... a man on its back trying to tame it - this made me cry - again I saw that this is what I have done to myself of late - a free dove caged in ...

oh, just remembered as I walked during the day in Rachel's garden & surroundings I saw my "new home" beneath the ground. I was asked to allow the energy of it to rise up from beneath me & into me - that spiritually the energy was complete, it was now for the earth plane to"provide" the bricks & water.

A huge, moosive adventure in one day - tears of joy, relief, forgiveness, sadness, love & clarity.

Thank you Beloved for this day, for the loving companions who listened to me, forgave me & loved me.

Thank you Beloved for this home, the warmth & protection it has blessed my family with , the joy & love we have shared here ... I release this home now - allowing it to experience new love & in doing so I set myself & the children free to find new land & new adventures.

I thank you Beloved for nourishing & delicious friendships & food. Amen x x x x

July 7th - a wider view

2009-07-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

Woke up emotionally charged - something lurking right on the edge - waiting...

Spoke to Rachel & tears flowed - often words need to be spoken aloud to be heard & she was the first human above 4ft that entered my day!

Rachel spoke of how the Angels had shown her how much I had chosen to take on & clear in this life time, that there will not be another lifetime (which I knew) but Gosh, do I like making life hard for myself ... she said that I was closer & closer to the core but I could choose to stay where I was in which I would live but not be alive ...

I knew then what it was - well two things really - the first being Nick as when he is not around in my energy I fly & he sees how much I fly ahead too - & then because I have love for him I feel it is wrong to abandon him & leave him behind - & because he feels me on some level moving "away" he clings & tries to draw me back by dangling words that I am never sure will become action... because I have heard those hollow words before. This time I have flown far & tasted how freedom could be, this time the clawing is harder & uncomfortable - in my heart I know I cannot do it to my soul but a part of me needs to hold on to him too for fear of flying too far...

Secondly Rachel spoke of how I had bought life into my home rather than being out with life - I saw that "yes" I have built myself a "pretty prison", simply because out there my "inner child" does not feel safe - out there is my history, my family are literally around the corner for me to bump into - out there I do not "fit" I am not her anymore & yes she is healed & she is safe but I have created that safety by staying in & not allowing my light to spread as far as it could & is destined to be.

I saw that spiritually my roots of my choosing & my beliefs are here, I have shed the roots I was bought up upon but physically they cannot become one with this earthplane because the ground is "old" & will strangle my roots - I need to move home.

I have stayed here for many reasons, all to do with those I love - the children moving away from friendships they have formed, yet knowing being here can often feel like strangulation - I know I must take that leap of faith - take the action in moving & trust the Angels & Mother Earth will guide & support the children & I in finding our new home - my mind is in fear - a million "excuses" now racing through my head - my heart knows I must go.

The clarity has dissolved that "intensity" I woke up with, it feels like I have listened to the part of me that felt like it was "dying" & understood the part of me that feared leaving people behind & being responsible for them - I understand that I am only responsible for my spiritual journey& in living it I provide light & guidance for others. If I stay here in these four walls of old just like Tinkerbell, I will fade.

I listened to "sacred space" on the Journey to the soul CD this afternoon - a pain body sitting just on the edge of my energy left with complete ease - my view was wider, there was no longer walls...

So Angels - I hear you!! *smile* This July pattern has flashed before my eyes in so many different perspectives - my inner child, the mother & my soul .. a little dove longing for freedom & flight...

I thank you Beloved for this day. I pray you may send love & support to Nick, guide him to his soul lost at sea - guide him to his light. I pray you may help me to release this responsibility I feel for those I love & instead fill me with the courage to lead...

Thank you for clarity, thank you for your infinite patience, your limitless love & support.

Thank you for Rachel, the light she shined in my life today. Amen x x

July 6th - clouds & rainbows

2009-07-10T09:09:00.001-07:00

Have had a bright & magnificent weekend - full of rainbows literally - guided "Journey to the Soul", feeling so honoured to be present for so much healing & sharing of love.

My heart has felt brighter since last weeks initiation. I bought some rainbow coloured wool to knit with & it has been most "inspiring" to sit knitting with it. I have got "lost" in between worlds & "seen" parts of myself "knitting" together & making senses.

But I did make a huge mistake @ weekend by allowing Nick too close - actually not sure it was a mistake as it has bought forth a "sub personality" who seeks my awareness & healing & also in my "act" I have become more determined, well not more determined as that sounds stubborn but I feel stronger in allowing my new born spiritual roots to become "whole" & move into my physical world - "she" doesn't!!

I will lay down shortly & speak with her & do some drawing tomorrow - this July pattern gets clearer each day & only I can stop this pattern.

Rachel sent me a reading this evening & I did get upset & cross to be honest - & then upset again - I know in my heart the healing of "past July's" will help but still sometimes ...

Will drink Choc tea, calm down , get some sleep & review with the Angels in the morning...

July 3rd - a new beginning & another adventure x

2009-07-03T14:18:00.001-07:00

More & more seems to be happening for me at nighttime of late - I suppose there is more space in the silence of the children sleeping & the sun's heat cool.

I lay down to sleep last night & I felt I was being bathed in milk - the word "initiation" was spoken to me. I lay in this energy for a while ... to then be taken to my heart & shown it as a clear multi faceted diamond reflecting all the colours of the rainbow, radiant & bright.. it shone like those beautiful rainbow prisms that sparkle & dance in the sunlight - the energy was very powerful & wonderfully peaceful.... & then for the third time in my life so far I was asked "are you ready" ... I willingly let go.

I was told that since the solstice there has been a new consciousness available that was offered to all - I was then reminded that after a shift initially we feel light, there is a "knowing" that something has shifted/grown/changed - then there is what we would call a "rocky" period where the ground work is laid bringing spiritual into physical, ensuring that we Can live in this new consciousness - how long that takes depends on the individual ... & whether the change/shift is also fully integrated & accepted depends on the individual.

Hardly slept a wink, didn't feel I needed to , I was bursting with energy, the fresh & new I felt a short while ago felt complete & settled - my heart seemed to fill the room. Archangel Michael was very present, it seemed he was holding a space for me.... thank you x x

Well, morning is now here - bright & early - even the weather has cooled & eased the intensity -

A new day - a new beginning & yep - another adventure x x

July 2nd - think I am back ..

2009-07-03T13:58:00.001-07:00

Woke up after moaning to you *smile* feeling much lighter & well more like me than the red sticky monster! Now this is either the current energies or simply part of my recovery - either way it is not to be analyzed, I feel all that has been required is awareness of "self" & ownership of feelings, judgements & grumps... how easy we can forget that there is always a "tight squeeze" before things begin to flow again. Life is after all a flow of cycles, peaks & falls, ups & downs - we have to go with it to move or we remain stuck.

So very, very hot today & so very glad I got the children a giant paddling pool - they have been in their element but goodness how much do they need to eat! They seem to be on some huge fruit marathon - most definitely have to attract this tall dark dark farmer *grin* although did see a rather gorgeous tree surgeon climb out of his van today ... Listen to me - must be the heat!! Makes me smile though - there is no guilt in "looking" if that makes any sense.

Picked up Higher chakra Angel cards today - so very chuffed, they feel & look amazing- lots of lovely Angel energy surging through them.

Such a busy few creative weeks with Sebastian, 5 new CDs & today the cards - all this wonderful birthing - think we forget to pat ourselves on the back instead of driving & pushing forwards ... is that " not enough" monster again ... "What I do & who I am is enough" suddenly springs to mind.

All that matters to me is that all that glorious inspiration I felt tingling inside & buzzing around my head in a magnificent tumble of words is in physical form for others to enjoy & touch. After all life is for sharing & I feel today the strength is back in my body for sharing.

Thank you Beloved for this day, this new welcome of "me" really. I feel I have been away for a while - so thank you for healing my body, for re-charging my strength & bringing me back to this place of "sharing me" - thank you.

I thank you for the warm sun. I thank you for life & all its creations.

I thank you for the gift of my Auntie Linda - a childhood & eternal heroine to my story - thank you x x x Amen

July 1st - ginger & irratable grin

2009-07-03T13:44:00.000-07:00

Beautiful hot weather - yet I have not found the "beat" to truly immerse into it - this time of year I feel holds a pattern for me but I cannot see it - I know I am standing on the outside, not daring to even dip a toe in - I feel I do not have the time to jump in, or maybe it isn't the space...

It is week 4 of post op & I am missing long walks, open spaces, trees, running & the ocean - this is the space I mean - to breath - to feel a footstep on the ground, each step bringing rich clarity.

Although just being here at home & in the garden I have seen how community has broken down, with the means to travel here & there, relationships with our neighbours & community are rare - we have forgotten to build strong homes & surroundings - to busy rushing about - sometimes there & back just to see how far it is.

Changing the subject a bit aren't I - yep - most definitely putting something off - can't even kid myself *grin* -

Well, lets just pray it comes with ease, rather than chaos because I have been too stubborn to listen, to busy inside to be still - agitated springs to mind, agitated about what??

Gosh - give me half an hour - where do I start *grin* just ginger & irritable, that's me today! Ha Ha !

I thank you Beloved for this day, the delicious warm sun - the "life lesson" stories the children wrote - the laughter that has come from their strong lungs & filled the air around me.

I thank you for the comfort of home, having loved ones near & close.

I thank you for this time of healing & pray you may help me to see the footsteps clearly & hear the "beat."

Bless all those I love. Bless all those who seek love. Bless all those who seek peace.

Amen x x

28th June - a blade of grass

2009-07-03T06:14:00.000-07:00

Have had an emotional journey this weekend - discovering new parts to "who I am" ... meditated last night - found myself entering a castle with many long corridors - outside a door that was slightly ajar ... a warm room inside, a "homely room" with a log fire burning - there waiting "running wolf" my native American mother figure/storyteller. She asked me to lay my hands in hers - not just then but always, to truly embrace her into my life, she is the storyteller within. She asked me to trust her more deeply & let our imagination, our voices become one. She showed me parts of my "history" that I was not to leave behind with the rest - for they were important stories to be shared ... I cried - it was a deep homecoming to be with her.

As I lay trying to sleep she told me new stories, I lay listening & smiling & then it was as if we were laughing together & creating shared stories.

Today I listened to "inner child" on the new CD - I found a 3 year old me who LOVED telling stories & had a very wild imagination but she had been told to "shut up" & "stop making things up" & so had hidden in the depths waiting for me to re - ignite her imagination & set her free ... like sleeping beauty waiting in a small dim room for 100 years, this 3 year old in colours of red & blue ( funnily base & throat) became one with me & we bounded out into the sunlight - vowing never to stop telling stories again!!!!

Emotions stirred as the stories of my history to "keep" were shown but although tears, they were tears of joy too.

Have had a hard weekend with Nick & feel my 6 week recovery must come to an early end (or is this a case of patience) so that I may follow my guidance with action ... the only thing I am not doing in all honesty is driving - everything else I have been pretty much left too - I cannot live with this "weekend time warp" anymore - it is soooo uncomfortable - in fact unbearable - it is time for him & the children to have a relationship where I am not included at all - allowing Nick to stand in his "fatherhood" - a relationship simply between him & the guys of which I cannot & do not want to be part of anymore - my past belongs in the past -

Remember "water off a ducks back" the Angels remind me as I write - let it flow with ease.

Beloved I am grateful for these trials, I see the lessons of love you bless me with, I know you love me & encourage me to grow. I see why you blessed me with the gift of a blade of grass - not only is grass all around me but a blade of grass bends & sways in all winds & storms yet gets back up & stands tall again & again...

I do ask Beloved that you fill me with strength, this weekend has been an emotional journey & I am tired. Help me to take action when required - help me to let go when needed for the Highest Good of All. Soften the pathway just for a while until I have my full body strength to run .... thank you. Amen x x x

25th of June - onwards & upwards

2009-06-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

Morning began as beautifully as last night finished, felt in very high spirits.

In morning meditation felt a very different energy in my Earth star, it was more balanced between masculine & feminine energies. I recognised that I had very much focused on healing "mother energy" & accepting this nourishing energy into my life with trust but this energy also holds masculine qualities ...

This new divinely balanced energy entered my base - & oh gosh - was so "ohh" & "ahh" - it felt safe, supportive, & trusting as well as the nourishment, Love & safety I have felt before - it was strong.
This energy travelled up & out of me reaching the Heavens where I saw a symbol above me of he/she God - this symbol sent down a pole of light to my Earth Star reflecting onto & with he/she earth.

I then felt the presence of my Highest Angel's, beloved & my guides - a wonderful Native American chap in full headdress danced before me stomping his feet on the ground - holding his head back & laughing with joy - I found myself laughing out loud with him, it was amazing. Much celebration for the shift in consciousness I experienced last night.

Have felt giddy exciting energy within all day - one that knows I have allowed so many more adventures into my life.

A bit later in meditation I saw a huge door in front me, it looked heavy & solid but was actually light. It was already open & so with ease I went in to see all laid out before me.

The children & I are still enjoying our Native American project. Today we spoke of how they would use natural resources for their daily living. I then sent them off into the garden asking them to collect materials from their surroundings to create something ... Bless Morgan, he sat there carving a stick into a spirit stick & decided this is the life for him - such a wise soul that often does not understand today's material ways.
In the children's meditation this morning, I helped them to see into their heart wishes ... when we all shared afterwards, Mog said he did not have a heart wish for he already has everything he needs.... may his innocence & wisdom continue to flourish.

Evening has not ended so well - Nick called & I admit I lost my head - so bored of the same old to be honest & I do not say that without compassion - it is simply regurgitated stuff that I hear & I need to simply hand that energy back - this is my life now with new choices I have made - & his life with the choices he makes.
We can choose to remain stuck in our words, stories, the past or we can choose to move through onwards & upwards - life is a journey, which does tend to suggest "movement."

Feel more at peace for writing to you.

I thank you Beloved for this day - the joy I have felt, the gift of dance I was given.

I thank you for my children - the wisdom & love they bless my life with.

I thank you for the warm sun that nourishes our souls & lifts our spirits - thank you .

Amen x x x

24th of June - big shift.

2009-06-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

The run up to the New Moon was, as it often is uncomfortable - aware of the changes required for my life to continue on a smooth & even pathway & one of growth not stagnancy... changes to be made within myself .. This darker part of me ... or is she darker? Should I label her as that I do not know ... but she is a part of me I do not particularly like as she "takes over my mouth" of late when Nick is around, I know it is because she is hurt & angry but I do not like me when he is near me these past few weekends to be honest & this is the only time when I behave like this - well, out of spite - I want him to recognize my hurt but he is blind!
I am aware of my behavior, the way I can chew him up & spit him out ... I try to hold my tongue & be polite, talk about the week, the children , the weather - answer his questions but ask none - & then he will say something, play the “victim” - drag me back into a time zone that is irrelevant - not here but then & whoosh "she" is unleashed ...

Thinking about it I feel it is because it is so very, very old in my very, very new world without his daily presence we live in the now - there is no past but he has not yet healed & I suppose wants us, well me in particular to know that - it is uncomfortable for me, I do not want it or need it ...

So yes that has been my forthcoming New Moon...

And then the New Moons arrived & my head has been "ping, ping, ping." - Inspiration, footsteps shown ... remembering to bring my vision into my heart, not allowing my head to misguide me.

This afternoon before posting them for duplication, I meditated to one of the new CDs. I listened to "mountain", my favorite piece of inspiration - it is so healing to listen to one’s own voice, it moves boundaries far & beyond & this afternoon was no different.

At the top of the mountain I was greeted by love - my twin flame – felt odd at first for I do not seek him & then as I accepted - it was sensual, gentle, a deeply felt heart connection.. Turquoise surrounded the two of us for wholeness & creation - magenta pink for higher love & compassion & gold for spiritual union & consciousness. The experience was beyond all words.

Felt a little sad as the meditation finished because I allowed my self to really feel such a strong physical form of love & connection in male form & I recognized how essential love, being loved & giving love is to my life & divine spark - it is what keeps the light within me bright & strong - without love, without sharing love - who am I? Who are we?

There is a piece missing in my life - a reflection of me in male form. Yet my life is so full, I am content, so how can this be missing? This desire to share life & my deepest love was valuable for me to see. It is not needy or desperate. I am simply - ready.

Then I pondered on how we will meet seeing as the most adventurous place I go to is the supermarket *grin* - maybe true love will begin in the chocolate biscuit aisle - the Angels laugh at me & say "trust"... will I recognise him? Will he recognise me, again I hear "trust".

My thoughts wander back to my "blip" with Nick towards New Moon & I realise that my anger/spite is simply because I feel so unsupported by him & any male I have experienced so far in life ... I remember my father always saying to me "you can talk to me about anything but don't ever ask for anything. Don't ever ask me for money." A very early relationship where masculine energy was not there in a supportive way - never backed up.

My support system very much since March has come from female friends of which I am eternally grateful, for it has been far more than love & support, it has healed mother trust - yet a little "man support" in my life - you know that strong masculine grounding presence would be equally gratifying & welcome.

And so I say "welcome, I know I can trust & receive this support & love into my life - I am ready."

Gosh - look how it all flows to paper. How truly amazing you are, that simply in your silence, your listening pages draw out of me that which is most important for me to see & heal to move onwards - thank you x x .... For now my actions for this cycle are clear - the "looming" sub - personality easier to embrace, understand & have deep love for ...

I thank you Beloved for this day - the gifts of sight I have been given, to see beyond the illusion of drama & find the core of my unsettling behavior - thank you.

I thank you for my stroll round the corner today - my first stroll in 3 weeks - our funny picnic on the grass verge to help “mummy” rest.

I thank you for all the truly wonderful, loving supportive, "like - hearted" people in my life & the world - may they all be blessed with love, joy & peace.

Beloved I thank you for lifting me, for now I am soooo much lighter x x x

Ps - Could not sleep after I wrote to you. The Angles wanted to talk. They were showing me how I need to trust the whole process of creation.

I was shown how I trust inspiration, the beginnings of creation - that I then take the action - write, create, record, what I have been blessed with - but then my trust in "birthing" gets a little bit wobbly - there is this bit of doubt that all I need to support the "birth” will not be there ...

I found this very enlightening as all the births of my children have been completely unsupported & so here I am feeling/thinking sub consciously that all I need to birth each project of physical creation will be unsupported too ... & suddenly with this wisdom from the Angels & this awareness I felt a huge weight lift form me ... why would such magnificent creations come through me, totally supported in spirit, to then come to an abrupt end when it comes to physical needs being met & supported - How silly of me & how totally free-ing this insight has been.

I can trust & DO trust that the birthing of all my soul contracts, creations & heart desires are fully supported, all physical needs, all financial demands met.

Gosh - could get up & do a jig - feel very excited. Something most incredible has shifted.

Thank you Angels. Thank you Beloved, for all the love & support you bless my life with.
Thank you for all the physical support I receive as a spiritual being ... thank you for all the daily manifestations of Heaven on Earth I witness & receive.

Thank you for all that I am & all that I have.

Amen x x x

19th June .. little loose ends

2009-06-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

Katie left his morning - silently as we all slept - bless her .. still alive!! .. after 11 days in this crazy house - sadly though she left with less sanity than when she arrived *grin*

First time alone today since op - feeling like an old achy granny this evening but on the whole children have been helpful & patient ... most of the time!

Very excited as I have 3 pumpkins growing in my first veggy patch - not that I particularly enjoy the taste but I am willing to see past that - potatoes are growing well too - can't wait for the moment we eat something that we & Mother Earth have grown together.

In my morning meditation I was taken flying over snow capped mountains & in the middle of their "protection" was a sacred pool of water. The Angels took me down & asked me to bathe in the waters... I was aware of "shame" but not where it was coming from ... my body glistened as it healed in the waters. An Angel held out a fresh almost holy robe, I put it on & together we walked to a tree. I could see the tree full of ripe fruit but also the rich roots strong & deep in the ground too - the tree was symmetrical, as above so below - The Angel picked a red apple & invited me to eat ... I felt my energy changing & simply sat for a while in this expansion.

Much is shifting this week, again aware of little "loose ends" that are being viewed, cleared & tidied. Nearly New Moon & so this clearing allows my intentions to be clear & not repetition of the past or intentions that do not serve my Highest Good.

I thank you Beloved for this day - the good & all its gifts - the "not so good" full of "silver linings".

I thank you for love, for love shared in laughter, for love shared cozy in pyjamas cuddled on the sofa with my children. For love shared with beautiful flowers & healing words.

Thank you

Oh & thank you for Yogi choc tea *smile*

Amen x x x

17th June - Heaven on Earth

2009-06-21T14:44:00.000-07:00

What a start to the day!

Went to bed last night at 1030 - completely exhausted - yet still wide awake at 3am - gave up & lay in bed watching a film on my ipod - thinking or rather hoping I would nod off with my headphones wrapped round my neck (desirable vision to behold) ... but I didn't ... 5am was the last time I looked at the clock - to be woken up a 6.10am by a kitten trying to find a "nipple" to suck in my hair - definitely think he left his mummy too early - he has this habit of sucking on any earlobe he can find while we sleep!

Not the best person to be around on no sleep (Katie has proof) - decided it must be Katie's mad "I don't need sleep to survive" vibes coming through my bedroom wall - no other reason for it *grin*

Checked my emails early * gosh how fast prayers work when so much heart is in it - Martyn emailed that an offer is currently on for trips to Oz, meaning that I can with just a little bit more help make it!

So very excited ... then had crying outburst - can't keep blaming the anesthetic. I just feel my love for my brothers is still "motherly" - there is not much difference in the love I have for them & the Love I have for my children .. I didn't have Tiny Tears - I had real babies chucked at me & a huge heavy coat of "responsibility" chucked with it. I felt it was my "job" to keep them from the wrath of my mother. I guess that huge responsibility & love has stuck - I "know" I was just a child myself but "knowing" it now & knowing it then are different - feel another healing coming up - so much I feel I could have saved them from - yet another part knows I was a child too. Sorry - off on a slight tandem - was good to cry, let it out & recognise that love is still there but needs reviewing. Good to cry - washing the soul, washing my eyes so I can see past the old & into the new.

One of the girls posted this on facebook today & it seemed to be there "just for me" as Angel messages Can feel sometimes ...

"Every moment of your life is infinitely creative & the Universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request & everything your heart desires must come to you." Shakti Gawain

On one hand I am "housebound" for 6 weeks & yet on the other - so free, it is truly incredible.
All these choices, dreams, goal, I can make for me - no one to say "I can't" or "how?" or that it does not quite match their opinion or plans or view ... & suddenly without that battle of wills- without that "serving of two lives - two masters" all the pieces of my dreams the past few months are coming together. That Christmas Eve buzz is available everyday!

Have had a lovely evening full of laughter & love - two of the best, well, only medicines in the world.

And now here in bed, after a very long but beautiful day.

I thank you Beloved for the manifestation of my Heaven on Earth. I am eternally grateful for all that I am & all that I have.

Thank you for my babies, their brilliant sense of humour, their dazzling personalities, their wickedness & all their showering rainbows of love they bless my life with - thank you.

Gosh - I simply thank you that I am here, in Heaven on Earth. x x x

16th June - tiny miracle

2009-06-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

Certainly feeling stronger now - last week was up & then down days - meditation was difficult to step into - my spirit, head & body seemed to want to just rest, whenever I did find that "space" within all I could see was what appeared to be me eating earth. I feel "mother earth" was filling me with healing energy, nourishing me as a mother does.

The weekend was difficult. The worlds between Nick & I have grown so far part & I find him hard to be around, his lack of thought, his lack of compassion, emotion & still the same "victim" moans & groans 15 years down the line - it seems his vision is stuck - on one hand that saddens me for him & on the other it is so hard to hear & see. I "saw" a piece of chewing gum type psychic cord still between us ... everytime I pulled away It seemed to stretch as chewing gum does but not break - a very strong presence of Archangel Raphael cut the chewing gum & took it away - I felt better after that ... not so easily drawn into how he is behaving - more "knowing" who he is - light, if that makes any sense.

Sunday night I could not sleep a wink - the last time I saw the clock it was 4am - had a brief dream of Martyn, his little girl by his side ... I got up & emailed him to check all was well with baby ... then clicked on send/receive to find he had emailed me in the night to say I am an Auntie, 7 weeks early - she was born while I could not sleep.

First was very excited!! Then I was overcome with sadness. I wanted so much to hug my little brother, tell him how proud of him I am, so wanted to see my new niece - a tiny 4lb 40z miracle.
Could not shake it all day yesterday - felt an "old guilt" of not being there when needed & all my motherly instincts & feelings of being responsible for my siblings kept nagging ..

Went to bed ... still could not sleep again ... & then 1am he rang!!! oh to hear his funny voice after two years - I have missed my brothers sooo much just not allowed it. Martyn really opened up & talked to me too which was divine, stuff that had come up for him about our parents.. stuff I needed to know & hear, stuff he needed to let go off ...

I am now more determined than ever to go over with the children & see & hold everyone.

More determined than ever to move to New Zealand so I am that enormous bit closer to see my niece grow up & be a proper Auntie.

I prayed so hard last night & I know in my heart & bones that prayer had strength & is so.

Have felt more able to slip into meditation today which has been delicious, I feel lighter in energy & mind ... I see I am a free bird now to fly any where I choose, my wings are no longer clipped .. exciting adventures are unfold in divine timing.

I thank you Beloved for my brothers & all their babies ...may they be surrounded by your love each moment of each day.
I thank you for my children who listened with amusement to my tale of "Mad Mary" - yet took the "lesson" & were all little angels for their mummy today - thank you.

Amen x x x

10th June ... Home

2009-06-15T03:51:00.000-07:00

I write to you now at last, I have missed your open welcoming pages - so much has happened in such a short space of time & yet it has all passed ... as time does & I feel it is not to be regurgitated on your pages, for it is done ... & you were there my friend in spirit. Our words can now be silent.

It is so good to be home - what a magnificent word - home. Away for the "sticky" energies of the hospital, safe & warm in the energy of my children, friends & my bed!

As always from the depths of pain comes much light & I thank Beloved that this abundance of light never ceases to amaze me & grow in strength - How truly blessed humanity is!

I have learnt to be kinder to myself & my body & in that the children have been quiet during "mummy's nap time" - again it shows how we must "give" to self sot hat others may.

I felt up to some healing this evening & so the "dazzling ever so bright" Katie sat with me ...

I saw myself lying in the operating theatre, the 2 surgeons talking as they removed my pouch, unstuck it from the cystic mass, removed my ovary & then put back the pouch ... the Angels swept my aura.

I then saw myself in the recovery room waking up from the anesthetic in a "cold shock", unable to move form the epidural ... the angels swept my aura.

I was then on the ward writhing in agony, biting down on my night gown as the epidural suddenly stopped working ... the Angels cleansed my aura.

They cleared my aura of the sticky energy of the ward & all its "competitive" patient talk, they cleared my aura of all the drugs ...

I then felt my base - bright - full of light - completely clear - the Angels showed me the ovary & the cyst being removed was the last symbol of the past - the spiritual was healed, the emotions, & now the physical was gone - I saw Nick & my father - all the abuse in a flash - all gone - my Earthstar opened as never before - energy shot up into me - new energy - so magnificent - so strong, so strong. I felt like a huge light being radiating with love & strength.

As "I shone" my twin flame unexpectedly walked into my aura - he spoke to me - stroked my hair & held me ... then merged as one into my heart... such loving, soft, energy. with a twinkle of mischievousness.

A hard cocoon of energy cracked around the very outside of me revealing more light ...

A Native American with a splendid headdress ...feathers all the way down his back, appeared before me ... he knelt down & made me some "knickers" out of healing moss from the ground *grin* to heal my wounds, he put them on my & lay his hands on my tummy.
Then using a rain maker I received as a gift 2 days earlier, he danced in my aura... he then cracked open a red fruit & made me drink the juice ...

He blew me a kiss, grinned & walked away.

I was told I am now able to hold more strength & more Love than before - new beginnings would be entering my life.

It is funny about the twin fame experience as the night before my op the Angels showed me an Amethyst heart crystal with 2 pendants, which Claudia made for me straight away as all the pieces were here already ... the Angels showed me it was about Spiritual Union.

I feel buzzing which is so delicious after all the feelings of the drugs being pumped into my veins. I know I cannot handle that again & thank God that the jam jar labelled "Michelle" is now more full than my body *grin* - meaning there is no more to take ...

Time to cozy down safe & well In God's hands ... content for sharing with you my silent friend.

I thank Beloved for my safe return to my children. I thank Beloved for the love & friendship I am so blessed with. I thank Beloved for the gifts I received this evening.

I thank you for no more vomiting *grin*

Amen x x x

1st June - allowing love & support

2009-06-12T05:33:00.000-07:00

A fast hectic day with so much to put into place & organise ... stocking the house up with food, interviewing a cleaner, walking Lulu, paying bills, meeting the card printer, replying to emails, ironing, cleaning the house, dinner, washing ...

Yet within this ... so much love.

I am due in for op tomorrow, only now does the realisation of that hit me ... tears are allowed now - of what I may wake up to, the "not knowing". I see this is something I need to heal & trust - this time does not have to be like the otter times, cycles have stopped & I have been helped to create this by insuring the children are cared for while I am away so that there is no "demands" from Nick for me to get home - Sarah will also be there when I wake up to greet me with love & most of all "touch" - something that has not been there for me before.

The support & love I have been blessed with has been incredible... it was there all the time & only now I feel it has been OK to allow it in - what blessings in learning to receive not always give ... a good sign that the Martyr has at last been released *grin*

Nancy called this morning, she said she felt she was being guided to offer me a healing today - Archangel Michael was with me the whole session - so strong ... "stop being strong alone", he said, "release your tears to me" ... & I cried ... I had not shown any tears of fear until then ... it felt good to have Archangel Michael there to catch them. x x

Claudia has been here all day & will be looking after my babies wile I am gone ... everything has come together perfectly so that I can heal in my time - free from pressure from Nick needing me back to have the children.

...told Claudia about my dream, she laughed - & what was funny is that she gave me all three silver symbols!

Also during my healing wih Nancy the Angels showed me an Amethyst heart with two pendants - a cross for faith & two beings in a silver heart for union - all the Angels then said was "spiritual union."

Darryl & her guys visited today too - Lauren & Keelen had written little letters of love & get well wishes - bless them!

Oh gosh ... how amazing, just breathing in & allowing myself to feel all this love & support ... allowing, what a beautiful gift.

So many big steps in one jam packed day ... thank you Beloved, I am truly blessed. Thank you for all the beautiful loving people in my life - thank you x

I pray that you may draw close to me now & bring me home to my children well & healthy.

I pray that you may draw closer to my children & surround them in your love & look after them for me - soothe their worries, make their days full of love & happiness. Thank you

Amen x x x

29th May ... Weird dream

2009-06-12T05:21:00.000-07:00

A beautiful warm day full of warm sun & warm company - spent the afternoon with Sandra & her son .. then popped in to see Darryl & her children - feel very blessed to be surrounded by so many kind loving friends - a new experience of women for me ... to know so many "like - hearted" people that "know" the words I speak - no long explanations, no right or wrong .. just space to speak, to listen & to share.

A feeling has come up a few times today - I am aware I have held it down & plan to "sit" with it tomorrow & embrace it - yesterday & today has not been the space to honour these feelings - tomorrow the children are out with Nick.

Funny dream last night - not sure how Claudia will feel about it - anyhow I thought I was pregnant & was in labour but when I go into hospital the doctors said there was no baby,my womb was empty which really upset me as there had definitely been a baby at my scan - I told them ... my belly was sooo huge too - the doctor & Claudia was then there - started to pull out all this old "gunk" from me - all this "yuck "from my base - pulling it to the end - & then three silver charms like the ones Claudia makes for jewelery came out - a silver sun for joy, a silver heart for love & a silver "flying thing" - these three pendants were hanging on a very slim elegant pink pen & Claudia told me to write ... I then woke up..

Told you it was odd!

Not feeling as calm about Tuesday as I would like - I have to keep bringing my head back to today & this moment..

Speaking of which it is past midnight, not sure where all this time is flying too - way past bed time.

Thank you Beloved for my day with friends, the sunshine, children playing - a beautiful bouquet of roses!

Thank you for helping me bring my head back to now, not then..

May you continue to surround me in your love & support.

Amen x x x

28th May - jumping ahead..

2009-06-12T05:10:00.000-07:00

Not sure if it has been today's energy or my news this morning - actually it feels like both.

Had pre op assessment this morning & was told that the surgeons will be opening my old scar up - which is big ... I thought or assumed it would just be an easy op & a little cut, so was a bit shocked really & upset as a) I remember how much is bloomin hurt last time & how sick I was & b) I will be less active than I hoped - another case I suppose of setting expectations on my self in how long I can take off ... well really - be still!

My head has not been here in this day but rushing ahead into Tuesday, with me constantly pulling my awareness to here, now - meant that most of the things I went food shopping for I forgot - I even forgot I was holding a list! Then seem to have lost the whole evening on the computer when the clicking of knitting needles was what I most needed.

Got to 10.45 - can you believe it! & I realised the children were still up! - not had milk or story - I had not even put the covers back on the beds - crazy old woman *grin*

Finally I sit here with you - am feeling emotional as I have not had a moment to digest this morning & let it go ... these emotions need a voice & to be heard, & time & space is required for that.

The sky is so beautiful tonight - so many stars - the moon a stunning crescent of light ... the sound of peace still ever present - humming gently behind the chaos -

it has not left me today simply because I have left it ...

it soothes me now, my breath slowing down -

all is well in my world.

27th May - celebration x

2009-05-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

Today is my wedding anniversary - yet all is ok ... I feel I have been blessed with so much healing by allowing the process of a relationship ending to be in its time not mine ... I know I will not carry the past into a new relationship. I know in my heart that I love Nick & set him free - I do not seek another through fear of loneliness or desperation.. I am where I am & that is perfect ... there will be always be love & that is how it simply is ....

There are no tears ... there is only celebration for life is beautiful. Free the illusion of drama there is so much more to see, to rejoice in.

My op is on Tuesday - I know all is well. I have arranged everything differently - being supported by friends, those who love me unconditionally & can share that love - friends that will give their love & time & not begrudge doing so - I am ready to receive this love…. This feels fresh, good & part of all that is new & free from the past!

I celebrate my independence - in knowing that I can do this - that I am safe - support is not only from a man - there are may forms of support - many who love me as I love them without agenda or conditions - it simply IS

How silly that we restrict the support we allow into our lives by allowing it only to be in our "expected" form - support is available in many forms & in abundance.

So - all is in place physically - the children, I know will be happy & cared for, I will not feel I have to hurry home allowing myself the time I need to recover... the Angels have guided I need to be alone on Saturday, I see this will allow me to meditate & be at peace with my emotions ...

I have been knitting, which I suppose is odd but it is amazing how calming it is - it sets rhythm & focus ... the clickety click of God's plan - simply unfolding ...

I thank you Beloved for this day ... the rich hum of peace that lies beneath all illusions.

I thank you for the continuous expansion of love I feel within & around me - the continuous lifting of illusions – clearing old foggy windows - thank you x

I thank you for the knowledge that I am never alone in body or in spirit ... all is well in my world. x x x

25th May - No Johnny Depp!!

2009-05-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

Gosh!!! A fast pace trail of events - all of them beautiful, rich eye opening & healing in their own right...

Last week held such an extremely fast synchronicity energy ... on my morning run - wandering if & when my op will be - ten minutes later the phone ringing - the hospital secretary with a date... 2nd Of June!!!

Putting out there with thought my "readiness" for bringing in support & more children - then taking the children to a summer fayre organised by a marvellous lady ten years on "down my line" & how she has created her school & how it has all simply unfolded, grown & come together - expanding her passion & embracing many children .. such an inspiration!!

And so the week continued to unfold - thinking of people only for them to ring or turn up moments later ... did think of Johnny Depp A LOT but he did not appear :) ... poor bloke must feel such "energetic" pressure - must release the poor man from my demands!! Orlando Bloom will do!!

Mog's message - Wednesday...

"When you look deep inside your heart, you will find something special you will never loose."

Harrison ... was concerned after he overheard me me talking to Lauren when she asked me about past lives - I replied I felt it was my last time here .... The next morning he asked if he could burn a worry, I was not aware of what his worry was - he had neatly folded the paper & written "if found please give to god" I helped him burn it ... afterwards we had morning meditation ... took turns to listen & share ,, he said he had not gone where my voice was guiding - he was far away & deep - not even in the room ... he started to cry & said he was all in light .. he said he did not understand as he has asked for help & explained to me the worry he had burnt that morning that he did not want it to be my last time - bless him - I explained his worry had been answered, that the Angels had shown him "only light" & that is because that is all that there is ... even when there is no physical body, there is always light & there ore we are always here. He listened & reflected upon his mediation his experience in the light - & has been content ever since.

The three youngest went away this weekend - their annual visit to Nanny's - WWW to her friends *grin* ... it gave me the opportunity to have some one to one time with Dale which has been rare since starting home schooling. We had lunch which was lovely in Wagamama's - chatted & laughed a lot about nothing ...& stuff that matters. We decided that this year on Callum's birthday instead of lighting a candle at Arundel Cathedral we will stay at home & have a birthday cake - that felt such a brilliant shift for both of us...

This evening I sat outside in candle light with Katie, drawing our New Moon intentions - as I drew I realised that I actually am & have all that I want - I feel content & at peace with my life... not owning my own home, not being with another seems insignificant right now _ I am love, I am surrounded by love - I have love. I recognised that it is about allowing all this to flourish now - to expand, grow & envelop others. I feel humble in this recognition - all the searching we humans so & yet everything is right here under the stars & under our noses!

I thank you Beloved for the past few days, all the little loose ends that have been recognised & "tidied" - straggly ends of the past have been "seen" - loved & released - what point is there in hanging on to any past drama?
I thank you for the high energies of synchronicity that have blessed my life with focus, love & many gifts.

I thank you Beloved for my children, for our home & the love that surrounds all of us.

I thank you for trust ... for I lay in your hands knowing right here, right now all is perfect. Thank you.

18th May - teeth all in perfect place ...

2009-05-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

Probably sounds bizarre but I had a dream last night that I did not remember or see its relevance until the Angels spoke to me in meditation.

When I was a little girl I had two re - occurring nightmares - one was someone creeping up behind me & cutting all my long hair off ... & the other was all my teeth falling out - I used to get very upset when I had these dreams & cry.

I have not had either of them since well - I think since I married Nick 15 years ago. Gosh, that makes me sound old!

Last night I dreamt the children & I went to the dentist in all his white glow & he told me how beautiful my teeth are - how strong & secure - all in their perfect place.

I never feared the actual dentist so never really understood my nightmares or the upset they caused - neither did I fully appreciate my dream last night - the Angles said the dream was to show me how much I have grown in life & in my "self" security & that "All" is in perfect place....

Today has passed in "nano" seconds - yet this dream & my native American friend have been close all day - again I feel so different. My heart feels HUGE - it expands within & beyond me & I consistently "fill" throughout the day - this is a truly wonderful feeling.

Bird came today & helped teach the children knitting. I have been thinking about bringing people in & sharing "educating" - this "plan" was presented to me by the Angels last summer but did not come to fruition then - I had things to learn - tools to acquire & to be secure in what I am do-ing or rather - be-ing to children ... I feel I need to go on a "quest" & allow new people & children in ... it felt good to have Bird here this afternoon knittng - a brief glimpse of what can or rather shall be - the clickety click of knitting needles was very healing - I enjoyed - not quite sure about the children...

Most definitely time for sleep now!

Thank you Beloved for all the gifts of love & guidance I am blessed with - thank you x x xx

17th May - Soul connections ... & love.

2009-05-18T13:42:00.000-07:00

The last six day healers for how long??? is now complete.

How do I feel? One word ...Blessed.

The soul connections I have been part of this weekend & for the past six years have been immeasurable & beyond any words that I can place upon your pages ... the growth I have witnessed & celebrated in others & my own being.

The love that has been shared - unconditionally - the safe places the Angels have allowed for this transformation to happen ... all irreplaceable treasures.

I have paused for a moment - a moment of what? Will I teach the course ever again???

I feel in my heart that I will, yet I cannot "see" it. The treasures I have - those soul connections have fulfilled me & I pray in return fulfilled the people I have shared with ... for now I am being guided in another direction, to birth my voice & teach through my stories to children.

I wonder why I do not hold sadness - yet how can I when I have experienced such overwhelming joy, love & fulfillment in teaching & working with others.

A chapter has come to a rest but not an end.

I recognise I must now welcome into my life support & I feel ready. I am having dreams of a "twin flame" I do not see his face but I know he is smiling, his back is to me - I hear him laughing - he whispers he "knows" me...

A home has revealed itself in green valleys in meditation ... what is so divine about these experiences is that I "know" them as they "know" me & that I am not seeking either twin flame or home. I am content in my own being & with life & so I do not feel a need or a want or a desperation ... instead I feel a knowing that I am ready..... So often I try to speak upon your pages, I feel my words do not do this love I feel justice. There is comfort enough in knowing you do not need these words.

Today I witnessed pieces "clicking" into place for others - a "sense" made of a tangle - an "understanding" was made of it all... it was like being present at a birth - a birth of many souls ready to fly. Their wings were strong, beautiful & magnificent!!

Now the tears come ... now they come for love shared & love celebrated - we are never apart in this love.

I thank you Beloved for this day. I thank you for the honour of being part of so many journeys ... the unfolding of wings, the opening of hearts - the realisation of inner beauty & love ... I thank you for treasured moments.

I thank you for scattered energy in Brighton *grin* - dancing, laughing, good food - being part of a group in so many wonderful ways.

Beloved my list of gratitude for this day is endless - my words not enough - I pray that the swelling of my heart, this expansion of love is visible to all I have been blessed to be with this day & in this life time.

I am over flowing .. I am full - & for all this love I am eternally grateful.

Amen x x x

15th May - Mother Spirit & Laughter

2009-05-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning & this morning in meditation as soon as I became silent within a motherly native American woman was before me "placing spoonfuls" of substance into my mouth - both times I have accepted from this energy spoon & straight away my body has filled with nourishment & strength - an amazing feeling & most needed.

It has been an exhausting week home schooling 5 children, keeping up with Sanctuary of Angels, the home, the shopping, the lawns - yet there has been a great sense of spiritual support ... which is divine. I feel that by recognising this support it will manifest into physical form with ease - It is just a "knowing" ... maybe I 'll adopt a granny or maybe a granny will adopt me x x

The children have been no bother at all - a delight to be with ... so wise, so free ... yet is it the children or is it me expecting for them to recognise that I could do with a hand or am I meant to ask?? Then yesterday I went for a run, meditated, sorted breakfast, washing ... taught the children until lunchtime - prepared lunch, took Dale to the doctors, did the food shopping, picked Dale up, collected a prescription, home, unpacked shopping, channeled message for radio ... Nick turned up to see children - watched me struggling to mow lawn ... took children to street dancing, came home, answered emails, prepared dinner, picked children up - served dinner, drove to Lynda's, hosted show - popped back in to shops to get forgotten bits on list, came home, put children to bed, finished emails ... & that so far is the least busy day of this week? But I realised that often Nick will just sit & watch waiting for me to ask & maybe the children have simply accepted this is "the way." ... Well that is off my chest, nothing a few giant chocolate buttons won't solve! - feel lighter for a grumble - not martyrdom just recognition I suppose that enough is enough & it is time to ask for support & accept it.

Spoke to bird this evening. I love talking to her, we laugh about nothing really & nothing I suppose anyone else would find funny - We laugh until we cry & cannot speak - she is my medicine - nothing matters, we don't ever moan - we just laugh at it all ... we can go yonks without talking & then there we are holding our sides, runny mascara & the realisation it has been much too long!

Really enjoying face book - very fun sense of community.

It is the last weekend of the six day healers. I am looking forward to being with everyone, Time has gone so quick, it is hard to believe it has been 3 months already.

Well must get some sleep ... I pray that I may wake up a radiant Goddess tomorrow morning - not a haggard 37 year old *grin*

I thank you Beloved for the gift of Bird & runny mascara - I thank you for friendship.

I thank you for the lovely spirit lady who is taking motherly care of me. I am grateful for her love, kindness & support. I am grateful for feeling"safe" in her mother energy.

I thank you for my gorgeous children, all the love & wisdom shared - thank you ... Amen x x

13th May - beautiful souls ...

2009-05-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

A day of so many gifts of beautiful souls.

The children's morning mediation becomes brighter & wiser everyday. This mornings messages were for All really & very clear ...

Mog Said " when we are scared or sad to remember there is always peace in our hearts."

Harrison said" to not give up before we have tired just because we THINK something is going to be too hard."

Snippets of love have been shared through out our day .... this afternoon Keelan & Sunnie lit a candle for Darryl & the safe arrival of her baby as she had gone into labour - an hour later the gift of another amazing soul had entered our world!

This morning the Angels said I was to be "gentle" with the day ... I have allowed the day to lead me, surrendering any plans made - all out of the window - to let in these divine moments of love.

At certain points I have felt like falling on my knees in exhaustion & then a wave of love has picked me up & filled me .. which reminds me of another magical gift I receive every morning yet have forgotten to tell you about ...

After the children meditate at the light of a candle, they send peace from their hearts to all in the world who seek peace & they send love from their hearts to all those they love ... I always feel when each of them are sending their mummy love, for my heart suddenly fills & swells - such a magnificent feeling & moment of connection - perfect to begin our day.

Another healing connection I have made today has been with Martyn. It is wonderful to "let go" of all outcomes & trust that in divine time all will be well.... & it has been just so. No more words of the past need be said, it is done.

I thank you Beloved for love .... the love I feel within me, the love I give, the love I receive. I thank you for the healing power of love - the love I see in my children everyday - the love I am one with. ... the love I share... the gifts of love that bless us each day - thank you . The love I see, the love I hear, the love I feel, the love I dream, the love I have had & the love that is yet to come. Thank you

Amen x x x

11th May ... whirlwind

2009-05-12T15:45:00.001-07:00

Gosh where is May going too – the mercury retrograde is “seemingly” a space where all is a little stagnant – the computer is not particularly happy right now – not very useful when I have so much to do – but everything else is at such a fast pace… the day feels as if it has just begun, when actually it is drawing to an end & I am so very, very tired – horrible headache since Friday. This fast pace has even taken over my dreams – I am either lightly sleeping or vividly dreaming.

But – in the whirlwind of speed I feel incredibly light hearted & excited. I feel a sense of self permission if that makes any sense & this strong act has reflected in my life – dormant parts now taking glorious flight, my head cannot quite keep up- my heart is overflowing with joy & that is the main thing.

The past few morning meditations I have been taken to a very rich green valley. My heart swells in my chest literally to be there. I “know” this place, every blade of grass; it feels like coming home in many ways. I feel I am only a tiptoe away for the very top of the mountain.

Yesterday I went to the crystal shack with Rachel (we were very naughty *grin* we finished early, so while we had no children between us dashed over to check out the crystals) … the “wise old professor” in there was very excited as my bill came to a multiple of 11 as did Rachel’s – who paid before me – my bill came to £55 – he said it meant very powerful new beginnings - that 55 was the number – but I could topple either way – I felt that bit was his fear – I “know” this time there is only one way & I don’t feel I will be toppling – many time I have stood on this ledge gripped with fear, should I jump or stay – but not this time – yipppeee, We cry!!!!

While in Dartmouth last week I had a very surreal moment on an ancient mound which has become derelict yet quite literally taken over by fairies – oh & my favourite flower – bluebells.

I saw an energy I have not yet seen before, it was kind of like very clear Clingfilm between this world & another- the view the other side was as “expected” yet I knew if I stepped forward I would not be here but there – very exciting … I stayed put, needless to say J

As I write to you now I can feel a part of me edging her way in … she was there this afternoon as well in all honesty & I think when I emailed Lynda earlier too – a kind of “can’t be bothered, I’m tired, this is too much hard work” attitude – I know it is self sabotaging as although I am tired I am very happy & content.. So will say “good night” now – turn out the lights & have a little word with this “madam.”

I thank you Beloved for this day – the past few days my Angels have stood only a breath’s distance away from me & for this & all the love I feel within & without I am eternally grateful.

I thank you for the words that flowed through me to Dale yesterday – thank you for the song he sang that touched my heart, shivered down my spine & healed him. All is as it should be – thank you.

I thank you for my little roses – yes that sometimes are thistles but I am moving with ease into loving even their (or need I say her) prickly moments …

All is well in my Heaven.

Amen x

28th April - Little Dove

2009-05-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

Had such an amazing experience last night!

I have “seen” her before yet she has always been silent … well what I actually mean is there has been no sound, her eyes have said a thousand words as she has held me in her gaze.

The children choose their term project – Naïve Americans, I was very excited about this as I felt I would grow to know “her” better & myself in all honestly.

After I wrote to you last night, I turned out the light & sent my prayers of gratitude & healing & then she was there. I know she is a “tribe mother,” not quite sure of her name although “running wolf” as just whispered through my heart as I write to you…

This warm, kindly tribe mother stood in front of me, her whole being of love. She told me a tale of a little native girl called “little dove”, a beautiful tale, truly beautiful. The tale weaved its ways into my dreams & my bones.

This morning I was a little nervous, I know the storyteller within has been urging me to speak. So to end our school day, we gathered in the garden & I told the children the tale of “little Dove.”

I finished full of – well – bursting actually with I don’t know what – a WOW – that finally I had blessed myself with another freedom. The children were silent for a moment which is good as all stories need space for honouring & absorbing - & then they had a million questions.

I know as I write to you now, in my heart that “little Dove” will be the last thing the children think of tonight as they drift off to sleep & “knowing” that brings tears of joy to my eyes.

I have been so tired today, desperate to get to my bed, yet there has been this warm nurturing fire within … running wolf, keeping me going.

I thank you Beloved for the gift of such a loving tribe mother. She wraps me in her warm arms, I feel her mother love … it is a blessing to at last trust & feel safe in this energy.

Thank you for the riches my life is blessed with, even in my moments of tiredness & surrender I feel your breath upon my skin, I am not alone in this world … never, ever.

Thank you for little dove, I know our adventures with her have only just begun & for this I am truly grateful.

Amen x x x

Peace before me, peace behind me,
Peace at my left, peace at my right,
Peace up above me, peace below me,
Peace within me.

27th April - Expansion

2009-04-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

Home schooling expanded today as the Angels said it eventually would - the children & I welcomed Keelan into our home & day. Our day went very well, it was peaceful with its own momentum & it was most delicious to allow all that my children & I have created embrace another soul ... there is plenty of room in our hearts & our home for many, many others *smile*

Again I see that Keelan joining us is another gift from the Angels that could only have happened due to my "stepping out of my own way" with my self doubt & "enough - ness" ... so many exciting & wonderful opportunities have come along since then for me to expand into my heart passion of working with children ... again I marvel at how simple it is & how complicated we make life - judging with our heads & fears, rather than truly emerging into our heart song ...

The Universe is most definitely "stepping" up the game now - asking all of us that we aware to step into our roles - change can only happen through us. There is on room for doubt or fear... 2012 grows closer & so change must be to support this great time of evolution.

I feel at peace today - all that I needed to lay to rest, to see clearly over New Moon has been lovingly dealt with & I have acknowledged my part.

I feel today I can make my New Moon intentions from a heart space before the first quarter moon begins rather than my weekend head clutter.

I thank you Beloved for the storms that pass with so much ease, the ease growing in simplicity as I "allow" rather than cling onto the storm.
I am grateful for the learning that has bought me to this delicious space in my life.
I thank you for the gift of Keelan, for bringing his beautiful smile & soul into our home - our hearts & door is open to many more ...
I thank you for my amazing children whom seem to deal with all that life brings to them, they simply move through with their hearts & eyes open - "seeing" everyone that is involved not just their part - I love them for their incredible compassion for all.

Thank you x x

25th April - New Moon Orge!

2009-04-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

New Moon seems to be a highly charged time for me - I have been trying not to judge the pattern, or "expect" certain behaviours from myself at New Moon but low & behold they have been here today - arrghhh.

I have been very cross for no particular reason at all, the day did not start out like this but as the evening grew closer ... well, anyone would think I was pre-menstrual!!

Its no good picking holes in myself. I am "aware" which is always the first step to healing & change - aware that for the highest good of all I really ought to lock myself in a room , with a very big lock - alone at New Moon *grin* - no, don't mean that, I am aware so this pattern can change & will - bravo!

I suppose the New Moon energy for me is too intense & close. On one hand it holds much promise & excitement, I love drawing with many colours my intentions for the forthcoming cycle & deliciously ticking each one off with a big fat "tick." ... but New Moon is also highlight time for me, things I need to let go off for the new to come ... those things that I am uncomfortable with, or forcing myself to "do" become too much - showing themselves in all intensity - the ways in which I am still not embracing love or coming from love - I did threaten to bury sunnie earlier!

I get easily agitated with "have to" because in all honesty I don't want to! Gosh is this the inner brat or me yet again declaring anarchy!

Next New Moon - I promise to my poor children that I will be prepared for the wrath of the New Moon Ogre!

So there you have it in all my "cross-ness" with the New Moon - best I try & get to sleep now in hope that tomorrow will bring a jollier me *grin*

Ps - Me again - cannot sleep - I am disappointed in my "performance" if that is what you call it with the first Angel Radio this afternoon - I have not been that uncomfortable since 2003 when I held the first Angel Experience Day - the Angels are speaking as I write to you, soothing me "let go of your judgements, they will hear from your words what they need to hear" I know, I know - Gosh they are calling me a "virgin" radio host - cheeky!
I know I can only learn & expand from here but do I really want to do this talking with no personal interaction radio thing again?
Oh no, now I am being given a list of shows the Angels wish for me to hold ... meditation, choices, digesting our emotions , a way of living, life's challenges- Crumbs did I really sign up for this *smile*
Must allow this New Moon ogre to be, so that it can pass, allow myself this disappointment then move on from it, find the peace within.
The sun will shine in the morning x x

23rd April - couldn't have put it better ....

2009-04-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

"When you are loved & able to give love, you exist in an extremley peaceful place" Nicole Kidman

19th April - happy to be cheese !

2009-04-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

I feel completely "blissed out". I am joy filled. I am free in this moment.

Since writing to you a few days ago life seems to have taken flight - I am flying high on winds of opportunity ... now I see how I was holding myself in a place in one area of my life, effecting all areas of my life like a domino effect -

Gosh, words fail to describe how I feel. So light, so blissfully light.

I have been guiding a group the past few days, together we have laughed so much. The process of healing has been rapid in such energies of joy. I even caught myself singing "Zippedy do dah" as I washed the dishes - can you believe it - OK, the singing but singing & washing up at the same time! The girls must surely think I am insane, I hope they still come back next month *grin*

The freedom I have "allowed" holds such excitement - the whole world is available to play in. my light no longer a secret! All of us shaking our love & our joy - wohooh!

I thank you Beloved for today, for joy that has been shared, for laughter that has healed & moved mountains!
I thank you for hearts that have found each other, for souls that have connected, for contracts that are being honoured.
I thank you for these new beautiful winds of change - the warmth & excitement they stir within me as I feel them brushing against my skin -

thank you - such tiny, tiny words yet full of sooooo much love & gratitude. x x x

Who needs pickle when I am happy to be simply cheese.

16th April - honoring a process of love ...

2009-04-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

Another decision made ... a time of standing in that decision come what may ... & now completion...

I looked at my life today as I was busy gardening & thought how lucky I am .. Well how lucky "we" are as human beings supported by the Universe. Every choice I have made whether it be for my highest good or not has come into my reality.. Maybe not as quick as I may have expected it ... but it has come in time.

Like at 21 years of age ... a picture hanging in my living room of three children. A girl in the middle with a boy each side pecking her on the cheek, their ages not that far apart "il bacio" it was called ... I wished for three more children, 2 boys & a girl every night as the stars twinkled ... & they came, their ages not far apart *smile*
Driving past different places ... thinking how nice it must be to live there ... to find myself there a few years later to find it really wasn't as I "expected."

What I am getting at, is that we make a choice with strength & it is supported ... it may not turn out as we would have liked but we made that choice ... how can we "blame" another or the Universe when it goes wrong, when the Angels were simply following instructions ... our instructions ..
How blessed we are to have such free will, supported in every choice & as loving parents even though it may not be for our highest good the Angels walk with us through our learning & through our adventures.

Remember me telling you about that experience I had last year where I literally felt a part of me leave my body & return to its past life with Nick.I felt free to "choice" him again if I so wished ... not out of karma or ties but love...
Lots of opportunities began to arise for "our" healing as a couple ...e ach time something old coming up & the two of us rising above it, moving through it .. a wonderful experience...

The "end" result of these opportunities has meant that old has cleared leaving space for new… BUT the new is not what I assumed ... the new has left us as friends, a totally new relationship just in a different form ... do I yell at the Angels or the Universe for it not being the result I expected ... no because this feels as it should be, I have learnt that life is not “my way” & besides I "declared" myself as love ... chose to recognise that & so all that is not of love will leave ... FACT.

I love Nick & always will & he will always be a treasured part of my life ... but our time has man & wife is complete - we cannot begin where we left off as that is old ... that energy, that bond does not exist for either of us anymore, even if we tried which believe me we have, the force is un - natural ... yet we still have love for each other & this is how it is meant to be ... how many live on after a relationships ends in divorce or separation in bitterness, anger ... in pain .. Simply because anything that is not love is uncomfortable .... is therefore not healed.

Funny how this time last year writing to you about Nick would bring up all kinds of hurt... it doesn't now ... I feel at peace with how things are now. I do not wish to force it to be any other way. I wish for happiness for both of us as individuals - hand on my heart - it is so healing to be a part from him & feel love. How could it be any other way ... when we choose to be recognise ourselves as love - how can anything else fit?

It has been a process to get to this point & I think that is very, very important. To honor each emotion, each opportunity for healing, to be aware of old coming up ... too often we think we should be "over" it by now or push our way forward or loose ourselves in work, friends, other relationships to quick ... only to be taken back at some point when we least expect it to collect a part of us we left behind, forgot to heal. Pushing, shoving, forcing is not kind to anyone including ourselves, it does not get us anywhere, trying to control the other person, the situation, the out come ..

I feel the balance & the healing as come from allowing myself to feel love for Nick as an individual ... all his ways, all his 100 “cant’s” to my “cans” ... for our irreplaceable treasured moments together, for our children ... & at the same time as "holding" this love in my heart recognising & most of all accepting that together we simply do not fit anymore. We are not even cheese & pickle, we are 100% chalk & cheese & as Dawn French says "a chalk & cheese sandwich doesn't taste too good."
I did wonder today how I will feel when Nick finds someone else. How will I feel knowing he gives another the love & affection I asked for but he could not give? I expect a part of me will seek some form of healing but that is not now but then .. & who knows ... he may choose love for himself & turn into a "pickle"... the Universe does work in mystreious ways.

I do know I wish him freedom, happiness & love & I choose this for me also.
I feel blessed that I have learnt so much this past year, not only about myself & a "process" but relationships too & of course love ...its many forms & splendid gifts.

And it really is true that as we make that declaration " I am love" .. All that is not falls away…. Like it not, we chose it.

Bizarre how many people then start ranting & raving & blaming the spiritual path or the Angels for what they see as misfortunes ... as I said we make a choice & we are supported "I am love" is a choice ... do we want that reality or not?

If "I am love” so too will my reflection be ... well, if I am honest enough & strong in that love to remove the uncomfortable fears that cling on, hold me in a place.

So yes, as I was saying choices ... every one I have made the Angels have supported even when I was walking my path blind folded I see now they were there.The thing is now to make choices of love not fear. Choices with no expectations or control. Choices that are genuine guidance ... not my wishful thinking or "willy nilly" decisions wondering if the grass is greener on the other side ... Choices that support my spirit, not squash it.
Whether we choose a higher or a lower pathway, at each crossroads the Angels are going to be there. They do not abandon us because our choice was from fear not love or when we abandon our trust in them.

I am so grateful for the past year's process. I am grateful for having free will to explore choices & discover how they fit ... I am grateful for the awareness I have now to know how precious choices are & that all my choices now need to come from love - not fear. I am grateful for the loving, non - judgmental support from God & the Angels ... patience of the saints, all of them *smile*
Bless them, they must really wonder sometimes "do they really choose that?" as we dither & analysis, change our minds, change direction, listen to our heads not our hearts. Choose love then rant & rave when our lives change to support that ... how confusing their existence must be … rather than "mayo with that sir?" ... "Love with that sir?" *smile*

13th April - flight of faith ...

2009-04-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

Morning meditation sat out in the sunlight ....

A huge golden eagle flew towards me, carrying a large white egg - I held my hands in the air .. as the eagle swooped over me it dropped the egg into my hands. It instantly cracked & pure light covered my hands, spread up my arms into my heart & then spread throughout my body ...

I feel I was filled with the reassurance, strength & love of spirit. To remind me that spirit is all around me & most importantly within me. That current choices may be difficult but to stay in my heart & know that these leaps of faith are what are helping me to release & reach my full potential as "spirit" on this earth plane. I have been on the "edge" of many a mountain before, just "rocking" on the edge for a while .. shall I shan't I? ... to have taken that leap of faith & been caught .... every time ... I can do it again!

The egg was new creation - a new life force of spirit. The eagle a sign of the heights I can & will reach with faith, self belief & trust.

I see clearly the boundaries I hold onto that hold me in place ... especially in my own love life... they are old, old ones belonging to a childhood that has been reviewed, healed & loved ... I have taken the girl, listened to her needs & embraced them as best as a mother I can be right now for her...these boundaries are crumbling. Yesterday I felt a little fear I must admit for these boundaries I have known for so long - I know them - I do not yet know the change to come BUT here is uncomfortable - to tight - to restrictive & is not the love I know I am & "she" was ...
I choose to fly upon the winds of new & trust I will see many, many rainbows...

12th April - Easter eggs

2009-04-15T08:51:00.001-07:00

Easter morning - woke up next to my baby girl ... when & where did all her baby curves go & why are these the only moments she lays so close to me? She has placed a beautifully coloured card next to my pillow & drawn an Easter bunny too which is placed on my chest of drawers - I kiss her, thank you. With a sleep voice she says "I did them while you were asleep."

All my frustrated moments of our relationship & well "sunnie - ness" dissolve in those words - her bouncy whirlwind ways are her ways ... her moments of outrage & spite are just her finding her ... I must learn to not to be hurt by them & love them ... with or without the grey hair!!

An Easter egg hunt - a flurry of clues .. yelling, rushing to the next egg, the next clue .. Morgan covered in goodness knows of how many different varieties of egg, he has opened all of them!! Harrison carefully placing each one in "his" box - Sunnie handing hers out to all the neighbours.
Do they know why we have eggs?
I explain to them that the egg symbolises new creation, new beginnings. The hard shell protecting its creation until it is ready to crack open to reveal the golden sun in us all - a new beginning ... I think they grasp it ... I want them to understand "why" chocolate eggs ... it is not just because they are in Sainsburys ... this leads on to a whole conversation as why the eggs in the fridge don't contain chicks .... did they grasp it???

Kissing & cuddling - well particularly kissing I think is an essential & delicious ingredient to a relationship. Well, it is important to me... it is a greeting, a connection. Until I have kissed or hugged my "hello" I do not feel I have "greeted" or been greeted .... the importance of this has been strong this week ... Nick has been here to spend his time with the children .... but we have just moved around each other ... not daring to touch I suppose or not feeling inclined to - no interaction, no conversaation ... no greeting ... my home has felt well not such a loving space to be ... it has not felt home ... yes, Kissing & cuddling is most essential!

Easter Sunday has bought a range of emotions, all of them showing me my many desires to feed others with love & to be fed love ...
Dale came home from Denmark this evening. I have really missed him. I think I have missed him since his 18th birthday ... there is a space now.. a gap... he is a man, not a boy , he has a life beyond his mother & siblings. He holds his own space in this large world. I look at him.. I love him so much, so very, very proud of him.
Gosh where does time go ... why do we spend so much time without love, without kisses, without living our dreams .. why on what is bad & not what is good. Why on disaster & not miracles ...

There has been many miracles today for me & I have simply remained at home. All of them a recognition of love I feel & love I know is yet to come .. all immeasurable.. all irreplaceable moments & memories,all food for my soul.

The Easter eggs have been cracked open - the creations within shared ... lets simply watch this beautiful unfolding of Spring...

Ps - put your pages down to sleep & just experienced a sort of cleansing/healing - feel settled & at peace with today & all that is to come - there is no space for fear & any of the adventures to come - the Angels are only answering my prayers - which does remind us to be more careful what we wish for :)

9th April - just a thought about twin flame

2009-04-09T05:45:00.000-07:00

Had a little thought earlier about relationships - if we do not stand in all that we are & allow ourselves to be - then how can we attract our twin flame - for we only see in our world our reflection - if we can not acknowledge who we are - then how can any other... just a thought x

8 April - miracles & gifts

2009-04-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

Wow - what an amazing few days of miracles & gifts. The Angels smile as I write "there are many more to come."

Since Standing in "being enough" (& it has been not even a week) & knowing all that I wish to achieve in my heart is enough - my world has changed.

I know 100% that I am & can achieve all that I "see" & "feel" in my heart without permission or approval from another - including society's boxes - I just had to give myself permission - how simply when we know how - then again knowing & doing are two very different things!

All I am is written in the stars *smile*

I saw clearly today that we all as individuals are born with gifts to share... be it music, singing , writing teaching, drawing performing, caring ...It is important for us to embrace this initial gift, stand in the power of it .. share it for it is not ours to keep...

As we share our gift & value it & ourselves - more gifts flow in for us to share & so on .. a wonderful flow of giving & receiving, be- ing & sharing.

When we hold on to our gift/s because we do not value our self or gift as being enough,(or let the doubts of others become our own) we keep in an energy of our spirit. We keep what was given to us to share & so we stop the flow of the Universe's gifts to us & we also do not fulfil contracts we made to meet people, serve others & open doors of opportunity for everyone!

How clear it all becomes.

When we stand in our gift, we stand in our power, our true spirit - we are full, light & passion flows through & around us. How immense that feeling is to be singing our very own song to all that is destined to hear it!

I think reflecting on my childhood & listening to tales from others - it is our inner child that seeks to be enough - we need to embrace our inner child - tell her we believe in her, she IS good enough, she can achieve her dreams because they live in her, tell her she is beautiful, that she shines when she sings ... tell her all the things her parents did not - encourage her to be all that she is. Tell her she does not need permission for anyone - the gift already live sin her & so it is so - all she need do is believe in herself - take one step of faith & the Angels will be there in abundance!

If our gift is not shared it eats at us - we may hold regrets, beat ourselves up, we hold ourselves back & all that we are meant to have & be - yet still we can make even more "excuses" as to why not now!

My world has changed - how amazing that all I had to do was believe the dream is possible without a piece of paper & "know" I am enough just as I am *smile*

4th April - enough smile

2009-04-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

The ground beneath my feet is still ... the "turning of soil & the weeding" is complete.

At last I feel I can breath in the promises of Spring & dance in the light of the sun!

My mind is clear, a wonderful scent of freedom & adventure in the air around me!

Since making the decision to stop my studies, so much has fallen into place. Home schooling has settled in a way that is not seeking proof of being enough, if that makes sense - it simply is. The children & I are blessed to be sharing this time together - the rewards are magnificent & I feel I can now fully embrace all of them. Harrison is a new child, all there of them have received a new love of life & an even bigger bounce!

We sat together today looking in turn at each of their term projects ... sharing what they had discovered, complimenting each other on details, colour, neatness - what they loved about each other's work & each other - it was such a gift to see them honouring their work & each others - not critsing or judging as children can often do.

I feel under less pressure - where did the pressure come from? Myself & fear of course.

My visions & dreams seemed so simple & I complicated them ... yet always drawn back to the simplicity & freedom of my dreams - to then complicate them again with something else to do - no more standing in my own way! Now I feel I can stand in my dreams - value them & my part in them - they are enough & so am I. My dreams are now in my hands.

The Angels showed me that my desire to teach children & my childhood love of writing stories are ONE ... I am to teach through writing stories which is why my heart was such a blaze when we did storytelling at college. I used to feel this was not enough or rather I was not - but it is, it is ..

The Angels have shown me all this before but as I said I complicated it - now I honour my "role", simply from feeling & believing it is enough ... a huge smile not only lights up my face as I write to you but my whole being too x

In meditation last night & today I was standing in a meadow of long grass... the breeze whispering wonderful stories as it brushed through the meadow .. the sun above filling me, inviting me to hold it in my hands. As I took the golden ball form the sky it entered my belly, warmth easing my body, light regenerating every cell.

I am at ease today - the waves are calm, always flowing. The messages of the murky waters have been heard & I feel stronger with every step that fulfills my guidance.

I am aware lately that my words of Nick have been grating across your page - I realised it was because I needed to share with him what happened last week when I saw Suzanne, the scenes of the past that had come up for healing ... an opportunity for words had not come up since then as he went away ... immediately he "defended" himself but I asked him just to listen & not judge, I simply needed to share, to be heard ... he listened, he left the room in silence, it was not mentioned again ...the energy between us has been less "scratchy" since.
I am content in knowing he loves me in his way & as much as he knows how but at the same time I am strong in what my choices of love for myself are - they do not match right now & maybe never will & that is ok for I love him unconditionally & I love me too *smile* Setting us both free for new higher ways.

I thank you Beloved for today - the return of contentment & peace within that I have missed these last few weeks.

I thank you for your patient guidance.

I thank you for my children, their individual ways - the treasure we share.

I thank you for being enough in my own self, the strength this "ownership" has blessed my soul with, the freedom this has blessed my life with.

Thank you

Amen x x

3rd April - sent in the dark 130am

2009-04-04T08:12:00.001-07:00

Beloved God, Beloved Angels I surrender my life to you now & allow the whole of who I am to rest safely in your hands.

I pray that I may be silent for long enough to hear your guidance & see the steps you lovingly place at my feet.

I thank you for the freedom you have blessed me with to fly,
the love you have blessed me with to heal,
the joy you have blessed me with to share.

Thank you

Amen x x

31st March - the last weed.

2009-04-04T07:39:00.001-07:00

After much agonising & advice from fellow Angel friends I made a decision today to put my college studies on hold. Sorry I correct that statement - I do mean "stop. "

Last week the Angels reminded me that my decision to study Steiner training was a choice not a "requirement". I was getting a bit stuck as I have missed 3 weekends already due to ill health & was due to attend for a whole week from this Saturday... my body is very sore, I have had no help at home this week, Nick has gone up North on another course (the first was for 4 weeks, now this one - all while I have been in & out of hospital & not 100%) without even a discussion if now was the right time - the usual you will have to get on with it scenario - & "I am fed up with you getting in the way of what I want to achieve" - a regular tantrum when I pipe up that I might need help with the children ...

Anyway I appear to have gone off on a tangjem ... I felt I was being pushed into a decision re college - like I said this has been a time of "weeding."

On Sunday I decided to stop,(momentarily) there was a delicious taste of freedom in that decision & a wonderful element of trust that all I was meant to fulfil with regards to working with children would be achieved with or with out the "piece of paper", for it lives in my heart ... but that decision did not last ...

I then felt fear - what if I couldn't do the things my heart shows me without that dreaded "piece of paper". Am I good enough to be home educating my children without this training? I did say agonising.

I then remembered a conversation I had with a friend at the beginning of the year when I mentioned how hard I was finding schooling the children, running the home, running Sanctuary of Angels & studying - her comment was the same as Nick's about me "ever completing a course" - here I do want to mention very quickly to comfort my ego that I have completed every course in my lifetime until I ventured last year to the IATE which again was simply not meant to be - I learnt what I needed to & then it was time to go -. Funny as I reflect on that time, I became ill then- clearly a message in there *grin* how daft can I be sometimes or is that stubborn.

It is just now I am different if that is the right word, I have climbed free out of so many boxes & when I attend a course now run by an establishment I try to fit back in, dance to an other's notes ... it becomes tiring & I begin to dis honour who I am.

A beautiful friend emailed me this morning saying I had to remember why I choose to go in the first place, just as the Angels said last week - & that those choices were made from fear not love. How true ... She also added how we were meant to be breaking these boxes & yes it was bloody hard sometimes but we had to set the way for others. Funny, my grumble was about that last week too - knowing that we all have gifts to give to share with others & is the "permission" of others really required - is it the higher way, is it honouring our gifts or is it trying to justify them or waiting for someone to say yes you can, here you go - you are good enough.

I then received an email from another dear friend speaking of her recent adventures of a dream unfolding & how wonderful that it had happened even though she did not have "the piece of paper."

So I have sent the email this evening ... I will let life guide me if I am meant to go back, although I have a sneaky feeling I have just taken a leap of faith & made room for marvellous opportunities this year.

I do know that college was my weekend of freedom in my silly eyes not wise ones as really it just gave me more "to - do's" & that I must honour that time for "Michelle" now in new ways.

The words to the third children's book have been whispering. The star children series I recorded with Paradise Music 2 years ago has just been released as CD & as children birthday cards. I am reminded again as I write, it is time NOW to stand in my role/gift to children.

I thank you Beloved for the support of friends.... To Dyan, Lynda, Katie & Jacquie - may you send my gratitude & love for their help in ensuring I listened this time.

I thank you for "new" ways that empower not take our "rights" & individuality away.

I thank you for these delicious snippets of vision & inspiration.

With love & gratitude

M x xx

28th March - 230am, a tumble of words.

2009-04-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

It is 230am. A tumble of words that need to fall upon your pages. I have lay awake trying to hold them in to the morning but it must be now - between these words & inspiration to finish a project, there can be no sleep.

An energy is flowing through me, I can only describe it as if my spirit while detached from my body has evolved & is now integrating back in my body. The energy is new, higher, wiser, such an extreme yet intensely beautiful experience .. such peace & wisdom.

My tumble of words ...

I have had this awareness for a long time, I think in all honesty it may have been a first rock to fall, causing the rest to avalanche... yet awareness & acceptance are no longer appropriate for in accepting I am allowing this to continue, holding my love for another over my love for myself.

When there is no "act of sex" between Nick & I there is no touch, no affection at all, it is as if it only belongs in the darkness of the bedroom - touch that is. I have spoken with honesty & love yet he has only ever taken it as criticism, which I ensure you it is not. I cannot be without touch or affection, deprived of it & then "expected" to feel ... well, you know. (This is sounding too much like another scene as I write) I cannot put touch/affection & sex hand in hand in one basket -they are two seperate ways of showing love yet one has to survive first so that the other can ... well, blow me down there goes an old belief of abuse flung out the box! I pray I am strong enough in my base chakra now to stand in this love... yes, I am, is the reply, you are stronger than you allow yourslef to see!

A woman ... & for over 2 years now I have happily claimed my woman hood *smile* & all my Goddess/femininity ... needs for sex not to be an "act" of primitive nature but a connection of two hearts, two bodies, two souls. She cannot (in my opinion no actually not in my opinion ... in my truth) simply turn on an act for it is not an act but most simply a delicous expression of love & a sharing of hearts & bodies. Yipee - go girl *grin*

Last Saturday morning (what is it with early Saturday mornings) the Angels gave me a message that this cannot be an act anymore, meaning I cannot have in my life anything less than love for that is who I accept myself to be. More bells ringing, so much makes sense when I write to you ... As Dyan says we cannot serve two masters, love & fear.

I accept that Nick cannot or will not give me touch of affection unconditionally as he says "he used to adore me", I have no place or desire to demand it for then it would not be his truth. I have spoken on many occasions with honesty & love to him, something I believed was important in any relationship .. no change in this department at all ... yes, I can accept he cannot give, I can value what he can give & I do but I can also choose a a love that does value me & touch because I do, more notably I am love in my base chakra meaning that I am ready to allow more loving relationships from this earth plane.. A vibrational match...

This is not a game of snap ... alarm bells slapping me in the face, so obvious, so clear ... only starving myself of love (holding a childhood pattern), its all about valuing my needs as much as anothers, not less & not just knowing I am worthy of love but ensuring that that is all I accept, not anothers fear only their love.. The Angels are showing me what Nick said last September, about if there is no body connection between us then there is nothing.

I think because I love him, I have wanted to make things better as I felt rexponsible for his hurt which came up with Suzanne the other day, but only he can do that through his own acts of forgiveness & whose to say that us "working at" being together is making anything better, for anyone.

Second tumble...

What is an opinion? And when is it no longer an opinion?

An opinion is an individuals thoughts or views which as is the individual to be respected & listened to. An opinion is no longer an opinion when the individual EXPECTS, yes expects, the listener or listeners to take the view as their own & act upon it ... there is no longer free will or choice, only a loud demand & an expectation ...& frankly there are too many of those kind of opinions in society for my liking!

Third tumble ...

A process requires infinite patience & compassion from oneself, embracing each step, each action, each emotion. A process is a wonderful gift of learning to be honoured & celebrated. There is plenty of time. A process must be lived in full (not rushing ourselves to the "end") or we simply have to return to the part we skipped.

Well, I think that my tumbles are over ... the rest are the beginning of another book, the creation of websites & gifts for children & the completion of a deck of cards ... this is going to be a long night *smile* Thank you Angels x x x

I feel exciting adventures ahead!!!!

Pm - I bought a handmade clay ornament of a native American storyteller today - she has been "calling" me from the shop,"she" has not "felt" the same since I put her back in the glass cabinet, I was "told" she has been waiting, she was made for me & I believe that. I love her, bizarre, she looks at me & I at her & we "know" each other. The shop owner discounted her - just like that - so that I could get her .. a material object, yet her value, well, how do I value the love I feel from her. She is a symbol of someone inside of me .. a symbol of things to come.. she sits telling stories as she "holds" hundreds of children.

Thank you x x x

27th March - multi - faceted

2009-04-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

Many things have forced me to look at them today ... I say forced as they have been so slap bang in my face I have had to see but the force has not been unloving or painful ...

I suppose the energy of today was to face the bare facts, no frilly business & for this I am very grateful. Never been one that likes to beat about the bush.

I have clearly seen since last spring where I have grown in self value & using my awareness & loving Angelic guidance to integrate value into my life .. all areas as a whole... I was then shown the "residue", the little pieces of my life where self value still needs learning & integrating. What was refreshing was that I did not see any of these visions as under achievement, it was wonderful to be simply shown the layers that have peeled away & those that still linger.

The balance between valuing my children & Nick & then myself is still one sided or 5 sided ... much of what they need or want will come before my own needs ... still a need to create a perfect home, yet it takes in this case 6 of us to tango.

I felt how truly important college is to me because it is time out for me but also it over burdens me too & I was again reminded that my decision to attend was one of fear ... I saw my goals & passion for writing children's stories, the "energy" I must now stand in re working with children ... I need to honour these parts of me, the part that needs time & silence but can no longer receive it by giving herself an "excuse" .. resulting in too much to do ... yes I love & adore the children but I unselfishly add here I am many things as well as a mother. Makes sense as I write to you & the Angels show me I am multi faceted as is the diamond. I think the children forget I am Michelle because I do.

I recognised that I have respected & loved money, & it has begun to love & respect me back too meaning the family are provided for ... the bills are paid, we have a roof, we have food to eat .. for which I am most grateful... yet this is still un balanced with regards to my Sanctuary of Angels account, so all I need do is expand this "practice" beyond my immediate family, master what I have learnt here into other areas of my life, so that all I need to achieve with regards to the "work" with the Angelic Realm is provided for too.

Nick went off on "one" today about me under valuing his opinions. I saw that really all is well & has always been well when I am "good", in health, silent, flowing, agreeable, & dare I say feeding his manly urges but when I am non of the above ... all is not well. It is not that I under value his opinions at all, it is that I am not acting upon them, doing as I am told basically, which bought to light the subject of self value again, that our relationship is only consistent & "status Quo when I am in my place ,not causing him pressure or problems & not in the way of anything he wants to do or be. Caveman mentality really & of course if I spoke of this he is never honest enough to see my "truths" or respect them or look at his behaviour .. something we all have to do in time, take off the mask & see our darkness as well as our light. But this is no space for blame here & please don't get me wrong, I am not apportioning blame either ... I am just pleased, so pleased to see that what I thought "is", is not & only I am responsible for "allowing" myself to be in another's patterns that do not unconditionally love me or value who I am & my needs. I choose more now .. Like I said this is meant to be a dance of tango whatever the weather may bring!

I guess also in total honesty I thought as so much healing has happened between us since Christmas - well, I guess I hoped that after all everything was going to be good but I see that the healing period can only "live" on as long as we choose through thick & thin, storms & sunshine ... & Nick has not chosen that or me yet & maybe never will (can I live with that maybe) ... that does not hurt, again it is good to be clear on these things... unconditional love just is, it is conditional love that is not consistent & dependant upon a mood or circumstance. I cannot & will not live this yo - yo life, to me it is about always choosing or taking the higher choice, love.. not a game of higher & lower after "I decide what mood I am in & whether I can forgive you."

Some real home truths have been rung today & I feel pleasurably calm about them all. To see life clear, to the point, no frills is simply divine ... it is now a question of action & clearing out which may not be so divine *smile*

The debry of the past year is clearing. How bizarre that we celebrate the New Year in January when actually the new is born with the Spring.

Loose ends are being tidied, things in my mind are becoming complete.

My strength in my body is returning as I write to you. I feel I can now be stronger as a mother offering my children new choices as I offer myself new choices as Michelle.

Thank you Beloved for today, it has been as a cool shower of rain, refreshing, cleansing, clearing. Thank you x.

I pray that my "awareness" today maybe supported, assisting me in integrating new & higher choices into my life.

I value all areas of my life & the many diamond facets of who I am x

26th March - precious healing moments x

2009-03-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

A funny week so far in wonderful healing ways & not so wonderful ways.

Angelic guidance as well as possibly the effects of general anesthetic has kept me for most part of the week out of my body, which to be honest has become a painful place to be in - so I am, grateful for this out of body "time."

It is like my spirit mind is observing the pain, detached so I may see & hear guidance not only on the situation at hand but the future steps to take too.

I see I must now stand in the "energy" of my "work" with children, fulfilling my role, honoring contracts, listening to the passion in my heart ... the steps are laid out for me to step into ... but not quite yet there must be patience & healing first.

On Tuesday the final diagnosis was made that I do have a large cystic mass attached to my right ovary that is disrupting the function of my pouch & sitting on a nerve causing a sciatic type pain in my leg & foot. "It" - the mass & the ovary has to be removed, the surgery is not straight forward (nothing with me ever seems to be must be the pesky kid inside *grin*) due to past operations so I have to wait for the right surgical team to be put in place & for the biopsy results...

A cystic mass - a pocket full of the past that has not cleared, a sub personality stuck in limbo - how apt that it brings itself to my attention for the forthcoming birthing of spring.

I called forth my Angels & sat with the support of Suzanne today.

I saw me nearly 9 years ago, the night before my major operation, wide awake ... not knowing if I would live or die - petrified as a lady walked the corridors calling for her dead husband ... Nick lying next to me, he was allowed to stay to comfort me ... yet he was fast asleep, snoring. I was alone, unsupported but this was not the first time...

I saw how all the "blame" of the beginning of our marriage failing being placed in the "strain" my illness was causing others & my " self destructive behavior" that came about after living with a colostomy bag ... I saw me holding the blame of all that had gone wrong, yet the rocks of our marriage had not begun to crumble then ... the picture was clear of when, it was before. I was just easy to blame, meant no action required or responsibility taken by anyone else.. I allowed myself to carry that blame - I let her!

I saw that my fear of having another stoma was related to my "unacceptabel" behavior after my recovery. Would I ever behave like that again ... would "she" come back? Is that the right question to ask ... really would I ever disrespect myself & under value myself like that again, knowing what I know now, being who I am now...NO, NO, NO, I would not.
There is nothing to fear. In that space of time I reacted in the only way I know how, to retaliate to the self loathing I felt of living with well basically a bag of poo .. unsupported..Feeling like a hindrance, more like a pain in the arse ( how apt) to everyone - especially Nick.

Un acceptable behavior - in whose eyes, unacceptable to who? Now after much healing, growth, enlightenment I know in my heart I have the tools to react differently if ever confronted with a stoma again.

I love & respect myself now - & too much to go there again. I know that in my heart & it is so.

Yes, that unacceptabel behavior was not seen through my eyes but the judgment of another. Yet this it is the time of blame, the crunch moment for Nick.. What I did, how I coped was or should I say, is beyond forgiveness? Is it - is it really?

Through whose judgment is it beyond forgiveness? Was I so evil? So sinful? Her coping mechanism not right? And by whose standards - by someone with compassion or empathy?

I have held onto this space of blame through anothers judgment because I love him & his hurt is still in his eyes, I swallowed the blame & held it.

The Angels showed me sitting in the kitchen to our then home, our own home ... alone at the kitchen table. I had just taken the children to school. I see "me" desperate, unhappy, and broken into a million pieces ... abandoned even by herself. Three major ops, life with a "poo bag" (which I now gratefully add saved my life & blessed me with the presence of Angels), a time of self abuse, drugs & sex, a husband gone, trying to hold the home together alone ... the table is covered in tablets & bottles of wine ... she has just been told by another woman that her husband does not love her, he belongs to another now. She is not selfish or seeking attention. She has simply had enough of life ... in the wise words of a 5 year old child... my son.

Through eyes of love, I do not judge her, I see her strength. I see her beauty. I see her heart. I see her pain, her million pieces.
I embrace her, love fills the room & erases the words. She is not "scum." nor is she a "whore."
"You can take the girl out of the council house but you can't take the council house out of the girl."
She is not too blame, she has just being trying to cope any way she can. I hold her, I love her ... I ask for her forgiveness. I was wrong to judge her, to see her through another's eyes rather than my own. I am so sorry.

She & I become one ... there is only love.

Peace.

I then "see" my mother not "allowing" illness yet wingeing & wallowing in her events ... I see as a child I vow not to be like her. I see I need to take responsibility, teach my children through my own actions of self love ... It is ok to be poorly, it is not a burden to others who love me truly, nor do I have to play the wingeing wallower or the miserable martyr, the characters played out to me in childhood ... it is simple (when you know how) to recognise that rest is needed. Allowing myself to rest I give my children permission to rest when they need to. Honoring our selves as individuals & as a family.

Actions speak louder than words, many a word feels empty for there is no energy of love held in the formation of the spoken letters & no action follows the emptiness. Hollow words.

"Do as I say!" - not as I do - yet our children do as we do, they only know how to imitate, that is their way.

The Angels told me that I must now learn to say "mummy is resting now" & to do it. When people offer help or support to say "that would be lovely, thank you" Not cringe with the thought I am a burden.

I am part of a whole, not a soldier alone.

Making space for loving, un judged, unconditional support by giving it to myself first, the iron gates are unlocked & open... you can touch me!

So that pocket of the past I spoke off earlier, held many scenes all belonging to a woman that had enough to carry let alone the judgment of her own self.

Now she is free from that desperate scene, not trapped in the stench of unforgiveness & blame.

And I love her, for all that she was & all that she has now become.

I thank you Beloved for these precious moments of healing for the blessings of forgiveness that leads me on to limitless skies ... freedom.

I thank you for the loving unconditional support of friends near & far.

Thank you.
x

There is peace now & silence - I am home again!

23rd March - dancing with winter boots on

2009-03-26T08:24:00.001-07:00

Was up & awake at 6 Saturday morning, the Angels had something to say, so I sat & wrote this message ...

"Beloved child.

Bursting with eagerness at the pleasurable sight of flowers & the growing warmth of the cold winter sun you bounded in to Spring before it truly began ... not gently blending with Mother Earth from one season to the next, in subtle sure footed steps but breaking loose from your winter sleep into action in one bound & so you lost the rhythm .. yet it has not lost you, you are easily found.

To push yourself so hard questions again your abilities to self love, we see you have grown far from your days of abuse yet still Darling child you give too much for yourself to do .. recognise we say here "you give" for it is not demanded of you from others or the Universe. And still although not as much, you put yourself in unlovng spaces, we see this still around the subject of sex ... honouring all you feel to be true now that the act of sex cannot be for you an act yet a beautiful heart connection is of great importance to your physical, mental & spiritual well - being. You are too "precious" in this form of relationship for it to be any energy lesser than the heart. Hear this, Beloved child.

The new season has bought light into areas of your well being that merely need a dust, there is not much work to do, you are strong enough to simply make up your mind & follow your choices.

All seasons bring change, as you have so beautifully acknowledged your "mother" now it is for you to learn her graceful ways, the excited child must be harnessed at these times so you may hear, we show you this in your children not for you to harness them but yourself from missing "mothers" beat & skipping too far ahead.

All is well Beloved Child, your fears regarding your health are in our hands, let go of other's words, there is no dark spaces for you ahead, only more light. The past cannot repeat itself, you dealt with is with commendable courage & strength. Simply practice self love Beloved, lay on the glorious grass, soak in the energy & listen to the beat .. you will find her again, waiting to cradle you in her sweet harmony. Remember all of you must be & do now is from the heart, any lesser will not serve you.

Wipe your tears, feel our love holding you now. All is well.

Your Angels.

Ps - make space for "help" to come into your life in the form of a mother energy, be it someone to assist you in taking charge of some of your "duties" with the children & your home. She wishes to ease the pressure for we know there is such a love for your children that you will not dis - service them even at he disrespect of self, so help must come. Make space."

The situation has become clearer - I felt so wrapped in love as the words & tears flowed & yes all the words were truth. Yet it was as though I do not allow my self to rest - my body was crying, yet Saturday I still pushed.

Sunday morning I woke crying from a bad dream, cutting a long dream short my mother was in it, she saw how poorly I was but "up staged" me with her events, I was late getting to the hospital & the surgeon made me be examined in the open, no private room or curtain, he told my I had to have another stoma .. the crowd around us laughed ... I woke up.

I realised that I do not like myself when I am ill .. it is not allowed. Let alone when it drags on for weeks like this ... I feel pathetic. I saw too in my dream how much I fear having a stoma again, yes I learnt much but to be there again ... I promised myself that I would rather die than be there again, yet now I know I cannot keep that promise, it must be broken for I am happy & content now with my life, I have learnt much, grown far, I love now, I love me, I love my children, I love Nick, I simply love ... I could not choose death over any part of my life ... but the fear dissolves me to tears.

"An unhealed moment in time." I hear them whisper, "that is all, let go of the fear. No - thing can be exactly the same."

I have been in & out of hospital so many times, why am I so scared this time, is it sixth sense or am I clearing an old fear, a promise that needs healing?

While at hospital this morning I was reading "the education of little tree" I love it. A beautiful tale of people & nature living together, people learning & living "her way" not theirs. A paragraph really stuck with me. I shall read it to you.

"Folks who laugh & say that all is known about nature & that nature don't have a soul spirit, have never been in a mountain spring storm. When she's birthing spring, she gets right down to it, tearing at the mountains like a birthing woman clawing at the bed quilts.

If a tree has been hanging on, having weathered all the winter winds & she figures is needs cleaning out, she whips it from the ground & flings it down the mountain. She goes over the branches of every bush & tree & after she feels around a little with her wind fingers, then she whips them clean & proper of anything that is weak. If she figures a tree needs removing & won't come down from the wind, she just whams and all that's left is a torch blazing from a lightning stroke. She's alive & paining. You'll believe it it too.

Grandpa said she was - amongst other things - tidying up any afterbirth that might be left over from last year, so her new birthing would be clean & strong.

When the storm is over, the new growth, tiny & light, timid - green, starts edging out on the bushes & tree limbs ...

It is a good feeling, exciting - but sad too - in April rain. Granpa said eh always go that kind of mixed up feeling. He said it was exciting because something new was being born & it was sad because you knowed, you can't hold onto it."

My Angels message on Saturday said I had bounded ahead, not listened to Mother Natures, beat & busied myself too soon .. no excuse of course I recognise I did exactly that, the feeling of spring rumbling in the earth, waiting set me giddy with action. I could argue that the seasons are not the same anymore, our climate changes at the wink of an eye but Mother Earth does not change, she must keep her beat, be solid & secure in these changes, she cannot loose sight or footing.

I see now, I see, I did wake with a jolt from a Winters sleep, I missed out that while the new waits patiently to burst forth from the dark soils, this time of rebirth needs preparation just like any time of birth ... rich soils so that all may grown tall & strong. Not set out to grow before the sun is warm enough. The soil needs weeding, checking that any un nurturing old from last year is not lingering, ready to strangle the life out of the new. Any old roots taking up room, room that new creations will need.

I have missed out my ground work - (funny as I have done this in the garden too, bought the seedlings all back in today to the safelty of the warm windowsill) ... set myself too hard, put myself (& my seedlings) out in the frost before its pesky dance is done ...

Silly me to wake up & boogie with my winter boots on ... only light ballet slippers will fit the dance of Spring ... & the silk is just not quite ready yet.

20th March ... an old grouch!

2009-03-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Thought London Zoo might be being a bit too adventurous & was not proved wrong. When will I learn not to push it? Came home in more pain which as I write now comes in waves.

I am meant to be at college this weekend, the third weekend I have missed. I asked the Angels about this last night, they reminded me how last July they spoke of the "school" beginning. I lacked confidence especially with the knowledge that in today's society pieces of paper are required as proof of skills. The Angels showed me that I "choose" college, it was not a necessary pathway, more a choice from a place of not good enough.

I sometimes wonder if they totally understand this illusion or should I say dis illusion we live in. We are born with gifts to share - an instrument to play, to teach, to heal, to inspire others, to love ... yet pieces of paper confirming those natural gifts are required, permission from another to be what we are already or the passion & drive would not light our hearts. Yet through the challenges of acquiring those said pieces of paper, the passion can be squashed, dampened, tested ..

Listen to me on my soap box!

Katie has been sending me healing which has been most incredible, it feels as though she is standing right by my side. The room gets so hot, as if she is radiating the warmth of the sun upon me. The energy is soothing, peaceful & in this peace, my mind is at rest so that I may see.

I see this pain is taking its toll, for my words to you of late are short & grouchy. I intend to rest this weekend, how hard we push ourselves even when our bodies beg for us to stop. The push & pull between nurturing self & tended to the needs of a the family, not a victim space at all, simply the question where is the rest? I pray for clarity & guidance. The energy of the past 3 weeks has been jittery & I pray that the ground make become still now & calm. I pray that I may hear the Universe's song, understand again its rhythm, ride upon its beat. I pray for stillness.

I thank you Beloved for the love of those around me & from afar. I thank you for Katie & her healing light. I thank you for Lynda, a true Angel in disguise.

Thank you

Amen x x

Ps - Quote from Alice in Wonderland already typed upon your pages "how puzzling all these changes are. I'm never sure what I'm going to be from one minute to another."

18th March - why be heavy ...

2009-03-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

The beautiful sun is out warming our days, yet my head feels cluttered & unfocused, so many "to dos" .. Spring has bought forth so many ideas. moments of inspiration & a "busy" ness of things to do ... I simply cannot keep up on top of what I already do. Especailly(gosh now I am cross) when I want to "be" not do!!

I am tired, my belly is very sore, I am falling behind - but what of life .. or my expectations - what if I fall behind? It is simply not a comfortable place.

Now I see how dizzy Lulu gets from chasing her tail.

There seems to be no space to breathe in & focus or re evaluate - ... I know that much that I need this space to re evaluate ... what have I achieved, what action do I need to take, what do I need to let go of? Is this a cross roads again?

Feel like I still have a heavier to do list than I feel happy with - or is that just those lazy Winter months have disappeared with a boom & a bang! Never been good with alarm clocks & Spring has a loud one this year!

Went for am MRI scan & can't believe I feel asleep in the tunnel of all places, think the nurse was amused to pull me out asleep with the headphones on.

Sunnie seems to be a bit busy headed & unfocused too at the moment, more than her usual hurricane self, - maybe this is simply the forthcoming New Moon bringing a new tide.

We are off to London Zoo tomorrow for Harrison's 12th birthday, that little hairy Mexican looking baby - growing up! The trip should do us some good.
He is getting his first drum kit - yep I know I am insane but after two lessons he has really found his niche, bless him. Should do wonders on his confidence as I know Harrison has been searching for his spot in our family band! Nick teased that he would have to have a gorilla outfit like the Cadburys advert, trouble is his eyes lit up - can you imagine Little sheep at the drums in a huge, hairy gorilla out fit. drumming to Phil Collins. *smile* That's better - why be heavy, when I can be light!!

15th March ..just waffle really

2009-03-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

What a delicious breath of fresh air!

I have been leading the last six day healers course this weekend .. well, I know in my heart it is not the last ever ... I see at least two years, yet nothing is set in stone is it?

The group are beautiful, huge hearts, huge smiles - a wonderful energy of light. Our time together has been a dose of medicine, I felt myself teaching in new waves of energy but not once did I "stand" alone for the energies poured through me - I was so grateful for this energy as for two weeks now I have felt empty to exhaustion.

Funny how we can get stuck, I see that in myself including others, how the balance between honouring ones needs & over indulging in self woes can easily be tipped ... how great our honesty & awareness needs to be of our self, patterns & behaviour - not moving into victim, tenderly working through it as a mother to oneself.

My medicine was in the sharing of self with beautiful people.

I am waffling again ... I am not sure what song the Universe is singing at present, my head keeps running ahead of my body ... makes me laugh as I remember that character in one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies - the sea monster whose head is one fish & his body another - only he leaves his head behind! I feel your smile, I feel safe in your pages & your knowing of me. A comforting welcome for my words to tumble & fall, not always making sense to re - read, yet I know your knowing of me. x

I feel reassured that"all is Well" that my fears are bathed in love. I was reminded that a part of me required recognition, to give my strength more credit - not the kind that carries you through life but the kind that manifests as the head & heart align, focus & blend as one not two parts - how easily we can be in head or heart - yet the strength is held as these two centers work as one.

I thank you beloved for your little reminders, keeping me in each footprint that you lovingly place before me - one at a time. Reminding me not to run ahead.

I thank you for my monkeys - big & small, for Nick, for my home, for new friends & old friends, for loving people ... thank you x

11th March - mind made box.

2009-03-12T09:15:00.001-07:00

Have had a beautiful piece of tangerine quartz tucked in my bra today, it has bought a constant ray of sunshine & play to my day. Its orangeness reminds me of Morgan.

The children & I took a breather, exploring the woods with Lulu, calling upon the fairies & tree spirits to teach us "the way" of Mother Nature.

We then popped into town to buy some seeds for our new vegetable patch. All wonderful earthy stuff!

Before sleeping last night I sat in meditation with my magic flute. The wood smells divine, it holds such energy. I was told I had placed myself in a limitation of the mind, that I needed to see beyond my mind & its unloving thoughts of self & see "me" through my heart. Re affirming & reconnecting mind with heart & letting my heart rule.

To be honest I recognised that since being in hospital I have withdrawn from my heart I guess because it became easier to cope, the fear of being taken away from the children or Nick when I was not ready, the fear of not finishing what I wish to achieve ... of course that fear was in those very poorly moments but it has stuck & I have retreated to my head, something I have not done for such a very long time. This is why life has been so "heady" for the past two weeks , nothing making much sense ... & so emotional as my heart tries to call me back home, but my head has only poo pooed these feelings.

This turning 37 is a mind limitation too. I have not run out of time, just as much as I will never run out of Love, there is plenty of time to have another child & fulfil my passion to provide a loving environment for many, many children.

How unloving I have been to myself to place myself in my own mind made box.

I thank you Beloved Angels for bringing clarity to my self inflicted behaviour. I ask that you may support me in my present journey of remembering self love so that my love maybe true & pure to share with all God's children.

I thank you for my beautiful children, for Nick, for my home. I thank you for love, for love shared, for love given.

Amen x x x

Just read Dyan's daily message seemed to fit my day...

March 11th - Daily Channeled Message (TM) by Dyan Garris
We can take so many cues from nature and the way things are made to work here. Are you familiar with the aloe plant? This plant heals itself, regenerates quickly, and works wonders on repairing damaged human skin. The thing is that when you put it on your skin, it not only heals it, but discolors it for a bit. The healing process here on earth is such that sometimes things need to get worse before they get better. Wounds can heal virtually overnight, but in this healing process may appear deeper than they really are. Keep this in mind today as you examine the theme for the day, which is self-respect, honoring of self, and honoring of others. Let things heal in their own way. Instead of trying to be the aloe plant, be love, and thiings will fall into place accordingly. We cannot tell the universe what to do and how to do it. These things were already in place well before we got here.

10th March - magic flute

2009-03-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

Feeling much brighter today... my "mood" yesterday was a right stinker. Have not had one of those days for donkeys, you know when no one or thing can lift you out of a well dug hole.

This pain is not helping, it is continuous & tiring but that is no excuse. Have not been so "horrid" for well, I can't remember, definitely self projected.

Nick bought me a native American Love flute for my birthday which is just beautiful. A perfect meditative gift .. it even sang to me in my dream. I sat in a presence of "inwardness" if that makes any sense & blew, it s melody reached into my heart & knew me. Harrison heard me playing & said my song was so sad he wanted to cry.

I feel the flute will play an important part in expressing myself & my emotions & also when I am working with children - a wonderful tool to create a magical mood & stillness within a room before a story.

While meditating this morning, an Angel shook out in front of me, what I thought was rug, when it was spread out in front of me, the Angel knelt down next to it & I saw it was a map but it was like the magic painting books I used to love where there seems to be a blank page until water is added & a picture is revealed. As the Angel pointed out parts of the map I could see, then as her hand moved the pictures faded.
I felt I was being told that some things were already written & all was well. And again being reminded of the presents in the present moment.

I pray Beloved that this pain may pass only leaving the message clearly so that I may understand. Amen x

9th March - the light of the moon

2009-03-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

Emotions still appear to be running wild, can tell a full moon is looming, it all feels a bit intense & close. The light of the moon will lift this heavy weight of illusion & reveal all & for that I am truly grateful.

I do feel it is to do with this huge maternal instinct & turning 37 today has certainly not helped, in fact I have not been myself since going into hospital, there is "fear" in the way... fear that happened really, so easily body bits I need can stop functioning & the world can come tumbling down & fear also that I may not have another child or the opportunity to give to children -all a bit of silliness really, in my wise self there is no room for this fear ... yet in silent moments she appears. I am positive the full moon will bring clarity tomorrow so that I may take the steps required.

Apart from these moments of emotion, the flow is ever present & available for me, it is clear to see in the children ... life is just simply to them water off a duck's back. How innocent & free they are, bless them.

Have started writing in a new "you" today, well it seemed fitting really. There was only a page left in the other "you" & as I went to write I felt I wanted to begin my 37th year with a new pages, a new "you." Your pages have lovely little quotes from Alice in Wonderland, which feels right for now too.

So together lets venture ahead into my 37th year. I am most honoured to share my adventures with you, I know we will have many & thank you in advance for your silent, all knowing presence & your loving companionship.

With all my love
M x x

7th March - focus on the sun

2009-03-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

Feeling more "light filled" today. The lovely Katie sent distant healing to me last night. I saw myself as tinker bell trapped in a jar, Katie helped me out & hugged me. I then felt my body being filled up with light, cleansing me & filling me with new light. Really hit home how maternal I have been feeling & am. I have been denying myself these feelings, to be honest the comments I get from others when I speak of this is - well not always loving or respectful that this is simply who I am. I would love a large home filled with children who do not have such opportunities for love. I think I am also protecting myself in case this never happens for that is painful to my heart. Gosh - where did that just spring from!

Today I have tried to take things at a more gentle pace, being patient with myself - well more to my head really as it wants to be busy but my strength has not quite caught up.

Looking forward to tomorrow ... I am going on a trip to the crystal shack with Lynda, will do me good to have some "me" time & to breathe outside the boundaries of the hospital, my home & the responsibility of home schooling, that has been tough this week, the children have not been impressed that mummy was having so many pyjamas days ....

"Focus on the sun "the Angels said in meditation today - what a deliciously perfect advice.

4th March - Mog's suitcase

2009-03-05T09:53:00.000-08:00

The present energy requires detachment ...

I have found morning & evening meditation difficult to settle into. My head has been active with "spring ideas," yet my body is still tired & recovering from last week, by the end of the day teaching three wise monkeys I feel pretty pooped & on the border line of tears. Not like me to be so teary, maybe I need to cry out the toxins of last week & all those nasty medicines!

Whatever today has tried to deliver, it has resulted in my inspiration being busier that my body can cope with right now, so guess I'll make a list now so that its all out .... & then get some sleep.

Morgan is still awake & obviously having the same problem. It is 11:05pm

He has drawn a suitcase & listed all his worries on it & asked me to burn the paper suitcase so God & the Angels can sort them out. They are mainly about how he can save the orangutans, Bless him. His restlessness reassures me that today has simply been a "busy energy" day. Peace & calm are never far way & for that I am eternally grateful x

Speaking of gratitude, I have experienced a deeper understanding of this. "We" as a society are only to quick to list what we do not have, what is wrong with life. & demand more I listened to the endless "heavy" grumbles in hospital - it was as bad as news at ten! But there is so much more to be grateful for than ungrateful and so much more that is right with life than wrong.

"What a wonderful life I've had. I only wish I'd realised it sooner." Colette

3rd March - bends & tides

2009-03-05T09:16:00.000-08:00

I am home....

The hospital could not do anything more for me & the transfer just kept being delayed so I asked to come home & see the surgeon at Chi through outpatients.

Feeling absolutely shattered today, a little teary (most be all those toxins coming out) but content in my own space again.

I see now I am calm & in my own environment the "gifts" my time in hospital bought to me. Nick said on leaving me early Thursday morning he saw a shooting star & wished for me to come home, that made my heart sing & open just that extra little notch that was requested to "trust the wolf."

I know that if I simply immerse my being into the flow of life, all will unfold, what will be, will be. It allows my focus & energy to be present. Yet I have learnt that the river of life has bends & tides .... & so to immerse myself in the waters with such surrender & trust means I must trust & surrender to the bends & tides that come too... not just the rhythm of the past three months. In those moments of "blindness" as the river bends I must remember to keep flowing, so that all that IS can BE.

To have finally dared to dip more than my big toe in & even further than my waist line, I can't imagine nor do I desire for life to be any other way except this place of surrender... the past was complicated & controlled. now there is light .... & above all peace. Out weighing any "bend or tide."

The river's bends has its secrets.

A little tough while in discomfort, pain or fear, I found the stillness hard to slip into in hospital surroundings but what a magnificent hurdle to defeat ... any where else will now seem like jelly & ice - cream *smile*

"We are disturbed not by things, but the view we take of them." Epictetus

"We would never learn to be brave & patient if there were only joy in the world." Helen Keller

28th February - to stroppy to see.

2009-03-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

Sitting in hospital ....
Don’t ask me why, simply "not knowing" brings on tears.
I feel my contented peaceful life has been whipped from beneath my feet.

Had sharp continuous pain on Sunday, which effected my leg & foot ... by Tuesday could not walk so sent to hospital. Wednesday my pouch "packed up" - Thursday was told I needed surgery but due to previous extensive surgery would have to be transferred to another hospital... Today is Saturday & I am still waiting...

Nick sat by my bed all-day Thursday while I drifted in & out, he did not leave me until 1am ... I could see the worry written all over his face.
I am angry, bloody angry actually. I seem to be waiting, no one can do or will do anything here & in the meantime I am missing the children terribly... Nick & life.

We are told that illness is "dis - ease", yet there I was simply drifting along letting life lead me, perfectly happy - not at dis - ease at all. Yet I suppose why does there have to be a reason for everything, some deep spiritual reason, after all I am here & that is that. Does it make us feel better to have a reason?

Guess I am cross because I want to be where I was, content with my family. My love has deepened for them & I suppose I see how I only "am" when I am in my flow of life... here in this ward, there is noise, smells, illness, grief, pain, no sleep, waiting, no compassion... & I can’t find me.

I have not been able to meditate, read, write, "be" ....
There is no air, no silence, no space, too much time. I want to go home!

I ask Beloved God, that if there maybe a reason for my being here that you reveal it to me, that I may see the "lesson" or the "gift" & return to flow. I ask Beloved God, Beloved Angels that I may go home now. Thank you x

PM - Lynda visited this afternoon, she was a wonderful breath of fresh air to me .. Alive. A light.
The children & Nick came soon afterwards; I have not seen “my guys” since Wednesday ... such a long time. Me, not being at home has given space for my flowers to grow, they appeared taller, “fuller” in their own spirit & bursting with cuddles!

Still I have no answer as to why I am here ... do I need one?
A part of me that is upset for the storm in such peace is - a part of me that misses home, my children, my life.

I see that while I have been here I have grown in gratitude for my blessings. I have "seen" more magnificent changes in Nick. He has been attentive, caring, supportive & there for me. We do keep on being presented with "scenes of our past" to replay & deal with & so far Nick has "chosen" consciously or not to break each on of them & 15 years of patterns. He seems to be clearing out very quickly at tremendous speed ... it has to be when the time is right & an individual's choice not a forced one from another or circumstances.

So maybe (as I write it all begins to click) this - me being here is an aid to our healing, not mine or his - but ours.
"Trusting the wolf" I hear those words again. I don't know ... for so long Nick & I have been apart.. Together ... apart. I suppose I fear trusting these moments as "real", in case the bubbles bursts again…. The fool.
BUT I do see that this time is different, there is healing in the space between us which draws us together... never before has there been healing, just a blanket to cover up the unsaid hurts.
My faith needs cleansing.

I am feeling very emotional. Really shouldn't have finished "The pillow book of Cordelia Kenn" for it has allowed the tears to flow that I was refusing myself - refusing "self pity". Nothing irritates me more than self pity & that is precisely what I have been doing today - wallowing, stropping. Wanting!!
Will not wallow.
Will clear my head, my body.
Be here. Accept. Be now & be home very soon.

Ahhh - that's better *smile* Thank you x x

17th February - buzzing like a bee!

2009-02-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

Last night I sat up in bed, writing messages to go with the beautiful Angel cards Lynda has created. The energy was immense, it felt like creation had been dormant too long. Angelic energy buzzed through me - simply intoxicating. And very exciting!

Today that excited buzz has still be warm inside me - a smile appearing on my lips now as I type for it is still there.

How truly blessed I am - thank you my Angels x

16th February - home made bread

2009-02-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

Was going to sit & write to you about how I felt over the weekend but the exact words I cannot find ... so it has passed.

Had a wonderful time working with a beautiful group of people through Journey to the soul. Had a headache for the two days, as I stepped back to "see" I saw an anxious part of me.

Life has been so smooth & flowing, miracles of love have surprised me beyond my dreams ... yet this anxious part was anxious that it may end. I suppose as the message from Judy said "distrusting the wolf & to now make friends with it" ...

There has always been some drama I have allowed myself to be attached to - that is the way we are bought up - or a challenge that I am moving through & so I guess all this magnificent peace & flow has been so delicious & constant, where as before It has been & gone ... this time it has remained whole, here & now, ever present....

I spoke to this "anxious part" of me, soothing her, explaining I have full Faith in where life is leading me. I expressed my feelings to Nick, he listened ... & the headache went.

Today the children have been in their element, playing outdoors all day. They have relished in the "space" that the mild weather has allowed them today, as much as I have drunk in the "space" in my aching teacher brain ... thank goodness half term brings this rest.

I see when I close my eyes a beautiful home ... just as the one Jesus showed me 7 years ago ... now it is closer, clearer. It is surrounded in fields for the children to play in, I see my family growing, enveloping others, sharing our love to those children who live in shadows of broken hearts, abuse , poverty ... an open home for more children.

I see a housekeeper, our own "Mrs Doubtfire"... she bakes for us, fills our home & bellies with her love,fresh flowers, rich warm smells. Her being there allows me the time I desire to simply play with my expanding family, to spread my love upon Angel wings & in writing story books & of course more time for lots of cuddles.

This river of life, its ripples are no more, there is stillness,,, yet flow, this flow carries treasures beyond my dreams & I see them arriving in divine timing.

Thank you Beloved, this warm feeling inside feels like home made bread ... yummy *smile*

13th February ... by my fingertips

2009-02-17T12:32:00.000-08:00

Not quite sure how to describe this space today ... whether it needs my attention or simply acknowledgement to trigger its release.

I feel that I have slightly got lost in the Flow .... that where there are no boundaries or definition of energy, I have become so one with it that I am losing an essence of "me" or a connection to "me" or is this simply my ego feeling wounded.
Not sure whether it is this peaceful "hum" in my life or whether upon reflection it is that my life has no separate parts ... I am "mummy" more so now & so where does my individuality & its needs fit in ... probably just all boulder - dash.

The children were really understanding & helpful this morning, we talked about ways in which mummy could still do some of the things prior to our life of home schooling ... because they help mummy to be mummy.

It could be a million things ... maybe I just need some fresh air & to be out in "life." Maybe I am drowning or maybe the planets are up to their old tricks today....

Think I will just breath this one out ... hold on to that calm flow & stillness within today, even if it is by my fingertips!

This will pass ...

PM - not sure what I was trying to write this morning, I have just read my words & there is something there at the front of my mind's eye but the words still haven't hit the point. I am guiding Journey to the Soul this weekend, that will most defiantly bring clarity.

9th February - Time management

2009-02-10T04:01:00.000-08:00

Feeling "joy - filled" today - no particular reason why - Just am. Have had the time amongst the daily juggle to tidy up & complete some projects - that felt really good, well lighter really.

It is truly beautiful that the Angels are guiding me to focus on different project's & when - what day, what month ...although I said "amongst the daily juggle" the time comes most easily to me .... that space now feels empty, clear for new.

My friends the Angels ... not simply amazing beings of Love but great at time management too. Who would have believed it *grin*

Thank you x x

8th February - twists & turns

2009-02-10T03:50:00.000-08:00

Crumbs!!!

Surprise healing opportunities just keep on coming. It seems life keeps steering Nick & I into situations that bring up "stuff" for him & allow me an opportunity to stand strong in my truth, values & re - act in a new higher way than I would have responded in the past. There is an energy of strength,being focused & centered in these moments of passing storm.

He moves through it as quickly as I do as for the first time there is recognition, responsibility of one's part & heartfelt apologies.

I do not know where this is heading & neither do I mind, it is not about where it is going but what it is achieving in this moment for our family ... I can hear the shattering of our relationship patterns.

I am in awe of the opportunities of healing that I am being blessed with & the fact that although the mountain side seems to be slippery here & there, there is still a flow that guides me & a wholesome peace within that flow.

The children are manic!!! I am sure they can hear the stirrings of Mother earth, they are so eager to be outside & so crazy when indoors .... will I survive the last few winter weeks *grin* Another Cadburys creme egg won't do any harm!

These past few days have held so many twists & turns I could be sitting here writing to you feeling quite "knotty" but I sit here smiling for I know in my heart, all is well.

I thank you Beloved for your hand that guides me, for you love that heals me, for your light that reveals my shadows. I thank you for the love & peace here in my home & my heart. Amen x x

1st February - Monster gate crashed..

2009-02-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

What a "yo yo" three days. Some real "not good enough" feelings came up related to my education ... started "growling" louder Friday evening to burst out absolutely everywhere like "splat painting" on Saturday - unfortunately or fortunately while at college! I felt isolated, not good enough for the huge responsibility of teaching our beloved children - to find others were feeling the same - the monster landed!! And it was called Fractions!

As soon as these feelings came up & out - were voiced, acknowledged - they disappeared as quickly - back to the confidence, strength & truth before the monster landed with a crash!

I am so grateful .. for my focus on my intentions, dreams - where I want to be & be going feels stronger - new - alive. Well, affirmed really.

Nick has been here the past few days & his "yo yo" energy & inconsistency has removed more illusions from my eyes - there is no flow here, the love is inconsistent & often it seems conditional, our values are not the same, neither are our dreams, our choices in life & as individuals are so "apart." There is no trust from him & therefore no safety with my feelings when I am around him. There is no strong base to build or strong footing to stand upon.

And so we slip back - after my life "being" with such grace & flow these past months I see with clarity a pattern now - to not know where I stand with another because of their inability to know where they stand in their own life - an inability to flow for loss of control & loss of trust in all things including life itself. That is not who I am but another. So one must make new choices with this clarity to move with the flow - let it keep unfolding to reveal all or stand on this slippery cliff edge - again!

Recently when Nick has managed to trust & flow with the family, such as over Christmas, old stuff has come up & healed with little effort, quickly dispersing - but it is not consistent - well for me I suppose! As I write I see that all that needs to happen is that we BOTH acknowledge these moments & speak of them as they happen so "flow" may return. This cannot happen when he or I or another are stuck in another time - then is seems the whole household comes to a stand still.

I must not let this distract me - I wish to focus on my New Moon intentions & allow life's dance to move with me, my heart beating as it's heart ...One.

You are such a good friend, your pages listen, hold no judgements, you make my words clear to see, then hold them as your own, no longer mine ... simply voiced, heard, shared ... then no more you take care of it all ...... thank you Beloved God, Beloved Angels for the twists & turns that share secrets with me, that no longer need to hide.

Into the light they step, each dancer moving, turning ... to be seen from all perspectives ... & when the dance is done, each message in every step heard ... there is no movement ... simply stillness & light!

Amen x x

27th January - an abundance of energy & a lurking shadow monster!

2009-02-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

Have had a lovely few days with the children, they seem to be in very high spirits, wanting more play. I have allowed myself just to be led & have enjoyed being messy & arty - yet there is this nagging part of me that does know I am happy to follow this to side track from moving on to fractions & decimals - the whole idea seems to send me in turmoil - clearly a issue I have with my education in maths as a girl. Really, really did everything to get out of a maths lesson.

The children & I celebrated the Chinese New Year, making prosperity lanterns in reds & golds & hanging them up, discussing our dreams for this year - all hoping for a holiday! Greece was nearly seven years ago! I have collected bits to make a dragon tomorrow ...

A surge of new energy is running through them, questions about Spring arising - will it be long Mummy? I want to be out in life as much as they do.

Feeling a "feeling" hanging about, well, lurking really in dark corners - not sure what it is. In general I am most content yet I have seen its "monster head" peering at me sporadically today. I suppose it will step fully into the light if & when it has to ... tentacles, slobber, drool & all!!!

Planning to hit the crystal shack tomorrow, something is calling to me ....

Thank you Beloved for the beautiful visions of our new home I have received today. I thank you for the fresh abundance of energy that runs through the children & home. Thank you for love, for peace & laughter. Amen x x x

PS - forgot to mention in meditation today, I went deep into the Earth. The Angels said it was time for me to allow the Earth to reveal it's gifts to me & to allow for the Earth to fully support my reasons for choosing this time for "be - ing" here.... hope it has nothing to do with that lurking monster *grin*

26th January - New Moon Intentions

2009-01-28T09:37:00.000-08:00

The "great pull" to be indoors sort of came to a short & most definite end today ... I feel an urge to be doing, no longer resting, an urge to be outdoors & active.

I also feel that this urge to be active needs to be more focused than ever before. A steady flow of awareness that follows the simplicity that life has revealed to me these past two months.

Sat earlier on in this clear evening sky to write & draw my New Moon Intentions... Feel very secure & content that life is really very simple once our attachments to drama have been cut loose.

I thank you Beloved for the secrets the moon has shared with me, I thank you for the beat that sounds loudly allowing me to simply follow - thank you for inner peace. x

25th January - focus

2009-01-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

Felt much lighter yesterday morning - I got up & sat for an hour in meditation, simply "bathing" in light. I realised I had taken on "board" the emotions of others in a desire to soothe their pain, the energy of that was "over whelming" & I got a little lost in the immense grief & loss ... to then get smothered in Nick's projections of the past into the present before I had an oppurtunity to "reclaim" my center.

But, that was yesterday & the day before .... here I am, now .... today has bought back the presence of peace & flow as if Friday never occurred, yet I know as a mother, it is an experience I will not easily forget ...

My focus has started to return, a focus on creation. The New Moon tomorrow supports this pull to refocus on my choices & intentions.

Thank you Beloved for my children, their infinite patience & love they share with me.

I thank you for the time I shared with "like - hearted" people yesterday.

I thank you for the gift of peace & contentment in my life. Thank you ...

I pray Beloved Angels that you may surround Paul's mum in your warmth & light, I pray that she may feel your presence, that she may not feel alone or lost in her grief. Thank you . Amen x x

23rd January - a life.

2009-01-25T12:47:00.000-08:00

Have just popped on dressing gown & snuggled down with fur throw on the sofa to write to you. Feeling in the need for "comfort", someone to sooth my emotions & tears. someone to just listen, not speak back AT me.

Went to Paul's funeral today - an overwhelming & surreal experience, firstly because his death was a complete freak accident, secondly because he was only 36 & yes, thirdly I cannot see any justice in it!! To see such a beautiful person's life ended & a mother lost without her beloved son. Her heart was breaking.

The day became even more surreal as I stood with people That I have not seen or spoken to for 18 years. They all said "Blimey, you haven't changed a bit." while there they were with no hair, or losing hair, or going grey or owning a lovely round beer belly - it just does not seem possible that a friend is dead, that others have aged & that 18 years has passed.

"Stories" were quickly caught up on, marriages, children, divorces, deaths ... I stood there unable to grasp where time had gone.

At a guess over a 100 people arrived to show their love, gratitude & respect for the parts Paul had played in their lives .. still I sit here overwhelmed at the loss of such an unforgettable light, a friend, a nephew, a grandson, a son ... the grief, the loss, the love I witnessed has really effected me & my heart hurts for those in pain.

I got home a little later than I had expected, to find a disgruntled Nick, who quickly & (without asking if I was OK) shot off to work... the house chaos, the children chaos & my emotions.

All Nick's insecurities & issues of where I had been & who with just "slopped" out on top of the grief I was already feeling, like, well - a pile of poo!!

I have felt like I have been trying to dig my way out ever since.

No time to feel, a house to tidy, children to educate, shopping to be done, needless conversations of past dramas to resolve. And silly me - I forgot the children were having friends to tea, how much further could I be swept away from a solitary moment to deal with my feelings so I could move on ...

My head is soooo tired, I am reaching out for that raft, so I may just flow again ... the pain & grief I have witnessed today has been immeasurable, the "projection" of Nick's stuff has been intolerable.

I am breathing , letting everything off load onto your pages .. do you know all I need most in the world right now is a cuddle from a man who loves me as equally & as unconditionally as I love him ... a man who recognises that life is a gift & precious, that Love is a gift & precious & that drama Shields our eyes from our gifts. A waste of life, a waste of love!

In the end of our physical time here we don't remember the dramas, we remember the love shared, the love given, the smiles, the hidden treasures -

Not sure I should have gone today, I wanted to pay my respects & love to a man who was genuine, honest, FUN in capital letters, kind, loving, good company - not a bad bone in his body or a bad word did he say of another person but I feel overwhelmed by the tears, the sobbing I heard & saw today from his mum, & in that room. He fell asleep on the beach, became unconscious & the waves washed him away & her son was gone!!

On top of this pain I am holding for others, I have in my actions of going to the funeral triggered all Nick's distrust & jealousy - his energy & manner is cold, hard, hurtful when I seek warmth ....

I ask Beloved Angels that you may surround all those in pain today with your light & your love, hold them in your warmth, soothe their aching hearts. I ask Beloved Angels that you may cleanse my heart, My aura of grief, I feel I am holding the sadness of others on top of my own, I choose to release this now into the light, for only in my strength can I be of true service ...

Thank you

Amen x x

Ps Funny, how we "think" we know how people see us or what they think of us ... to find out years later that your perceptions were wrong, how often do we misjudge ourselves & others through our own illusions. At 18 I always felt I was in significant, my head down, living in the shadows of beautiful friends, no self esteem, no feelings of inner or outer worth or beauty or value ... did not really think anyone noticed me or I was anyone to notice. Yet today all those 18 year old's thoughts were challenged. People did remember me, were genuinely pleased to see me, jokingly admitted I was the girl they had secretly wanted to marry.

I was not living under any one's shadow back then but my own lack of self recognition & belief. Like I said too much time spent wrapped in our dramas & life just keeps flowing with or without our awareness. I feel truly blessed to have such presence in my life now, to "know" in my heart that as long as I maintain this awareness, life's gifts & treasures will no longer be hidden from my eyes.

21st January - fruits

2009-01-23T11:51:00.000-08:00

Most untrue to my routine for the past six years I have not meditated since Saturday, that daily slot of time that usually comes with ease, has not - beginning to feel this, this evening.... not as calm as Sunnie calls "mummy" for the 19th time since I put her to bed.

The "fruits" are noticeably arriving so far this year with little or no effort on my part, & I do not mean only materials, there is still an ease to life that I gratefully fall into - like a soft welcoming pillow.

My awareness in this energy continues to grow to new heights & that is the most wonderful gift.

So much healing has occurred between Nick & I too, an unforced unfolding of events that have remarkably led to communication & listening!! For the first time in 9 years I "felt" Nick yesterday - the man I knew & know. Felt amazing to receive at last "proof" that what I trusted to be true is - he is still "in there," somewhere. I feel the tears now.

All in all, my life is content while drifting upon this flow of life, just need to simply remember to go with it, not against it!

Off to the Natural History Museum tomorrow with children, we are meeting Claudia, so looking forward to being out & investigating dinosaurs!

ps now & again when I close my eyes or just out the corner of my eye I can see & feel a beautiful Golden Eagle that is sometimes completely white. Sometimes I can see straight into its or should I say her eyes other times I am flying with her - earlier she transformed into an Indian girl with plaits & just simply smiled at me with huge eyes!

15th January - new choices in love

2009-01-23T10:08:00.000-08:00

Have had a truly gift filled week, for which I am immensely grateful.

The strength of "be - ing" in my choices, mixed with the ingredients of the peaceful rhythm of "unfolding" & the "moon studies" I have put into practice is bringing forth an endless sense of well being, peace, presence & miracles!

My awareness of choices has occasionally been "cross examined" by an event or person, for these I am grateful for they keep me in awareness & also allow me to remain in a choice or dishonour myself. These all seem to be how of how I choose love.

It is kind of a constant "check in" on oneself to see whether I am placing my expectations or choices upon another or visa versa.

No other has to love me a I choose to be loved, that is a choice I cannot make but I can choose to remove myself from those relationships or circumstances & that is the difference..... Just as no other has to receive the love I choose to give but I can choose to remain or honor my love as worthy & therefore attract others who see it as worthy too ...

Maybe I am reading far too much romance at the moment (has made me a little hungry for a loving relationship, but it is a vampire story *grin*) or maybe I am standing in my choices of how I wish to be as "love" - I see I cannot place expectations on how I receive love as I may prevent God's surprises but I see with eyes wide that some love is very conditional & that I wish to release from my life..

Am I waffling again???, getting tongue tied as I try to make sense to myself - hey ho - at the end of the day I relax into this freedom & know "a love" will find me, it is not a desperate need more a "ohh, that would be really lovely & I am ready for that"..... hope I have not placed too much intention on a vampire relationship *grin*

11th January 2009 - standing in choices

2009-01-14T12:46:00.000-08:00

All has flowed in harmony of late & I am sorry that I have not written, there has been much to write about as in how my life & who I am has hugely changed but little to write about, as in putting those moments into words is not easy. Changes have not occurred in measured amounts of time, people or places - my words seem confusing but run into each other, I guess really that is how life has been.

The peace has been beautiful & only momentarily disrupted when stepping back in "society" but I have learnt to stand in the strength of my choices, resulting in going out not being such a hurdle. I am there but invisible - how invisible can we be?

All those little reactions are no longer there with Nick, the children, anyone to date ... why add to the drama?

I rest with much gratitude in the knowledge that I am not in control, that is a huge responsibility or "burden" to carry, to feel or believe that we are responsible for each other or another & life.

I can only be & let life unfold & be responsible for myself & my choices.

My emotions have run a little wonky these last couple of days - just writing to you, the words are coming & I feel I am at last allowing them to be tangible enough to digest. I guess shock numbed the words.

Dale was 18 ... how clearly I can see his little face when he was born. I was so young & so In awe of his beauty & perfection. I lay awake all night watching him, scared to close my eyes in case he disappeared. All those treasured memories, his own little vocabulary - words I still remember ... his gentle nature, beaming smile & deep brown eyes * here he stands 18! A huge milestone for him.. Is my love for him ever expressible?

On top of this my friend whom I spent those tender years of 16 - 21 & the first few years of Dale's life was found dead on the beach, I still feel my sorrow & my own grief that he had to die so alone. He was a kind man - there for everyone & anyone...

So many emotions to see, to separate, to own & to heal - yet the under current remains smooth - ever flowing & the only name I can give her is "Grace."

I thank you God, Beloved Angels for the space I have reached in my life, the simplicity I know here.

Thank you for my children, the Love I hold in my heart, the unspoken words & the silent hugs of knowing.

I ask Beloved that the soul of Paul may be cleansed of all shock & grief. I pray that you may guide him into the light & bless his soul. I ask that you may comfort his mother & all those who have been honored to know such a gentle, funny man.

Thank you x x

28th December - the flow of life

2009-01-14T12:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas been & gone. One day flowing into the next....

It is not that I have given up, it is simply that I feel more at peace just to let life unfold & reveal its gifts to me, all this pressure we place upon ourselves to meet goals, to reach fulfilment's - yet life can just unfold allowing what will be to be. It is a new & kind of odd feeling, have had to argue with the part of me that feels this could be seen as "laziness" but that would be the opinion of a conditioned other, for I "know" it is not.

I know & feel my heart's desires & trust that as they reside in my heart they will "be" in time - not my time - I can chase, push, measure - yet with no results, things that I have expected have never met that expectation - not in a negative sense at all - all I have desired from my heart as arrived in "its" time & easily, I never needed apply any pressure - so why do it to ourselves!

There is a strong desire to be "shut off" from the external world, this has been for a while now & still "sits" with me ... to step out of that man made chaos for a while.

How am I really feeling?

To be honest I am in a space of contentment but that single word alone does no justice at all ... I know the pace has been too fast & I am relishing this freedom from society's box! Intentions seem "unnecessary", they are already out there & so will be. I am just here - being, allowing....

I have not turned my back on others or the world. I simply know to be detached for a while - almost hermit like, is where I am meant to be. It is comfortable & allows the rhythm of my life to be heard without disruption ...

Just for a while, to rest, to learn & to integrate before the wings change & life speeds up again!

14th December - Amazing Happenings!!!

2008-12-15T09:40:00.000-08:00

I didn't get to write to you last night ... kept trying to find that moment but by the time the children settled it was most definitely past my bedtime!

Nick took the children off for the day - the first day I have had to do as I please for over a month. I spent a delicious afternoon doing what had been calling to me since Friday morning - the Angels kept showing me the master copy of the new CD, always feels a bit odd to listen to my own voice but when I have been prompted to do so in the past, it has always been very powerful - so there had to be a perfect moment!

I had an awesome experience!

The chakra clearing was like none other, all aligning & shifting in my body, most intense but gentle too. I was then asked to play my bowl. I sat in the "hum" of the bowl & then from out of nowhere I started to sing in an incredible voice, that did not feel at all my own - the words were all in a foreign language flowing most naturally from my lips & as I sung the words I could "see" the translation in English in my mind's eye. Such an incredible, breathtaking experience!!

I felt my Higher Self coming down into my throat & filling my whole body as I sang. A sort of eclipse occurred over my brow & something lifted & was replaced with a new energy.

I am still very excited & in complete awe of the whole experience.

I have had non- stop thoughts of Africa since, which is new & a real pull in my heart to be there ... what will be, will be.

I have felt so different today, not sure I know of any words that will fit the feelings, except as I write "fit", I have noticed that some things just did not fit today, not like uncomfortable clothing as I did not feel uncomfortable but I guess just noticably did not fit - guess like when a few odd pounds start being put on.

This evening in meditation, it was as if the Angels had been waiting for me to sit still all day, bless them, a real flurry of activity within & around me.

I spoke to them saying that I was ready to be in full surrender, to allow what "is" to be & what "is not" to be complete & leave with grace ... Two huge golden gates opened wide & I stepped inside ... I do not really remember the rest as visions or anything I can really name ... I am "buzzing" so much so, so are my ears!

I am not sure what I have just surrendered to, to be honest & do not feel at all apprehensive, simply very peaceful & excited! I know it is about time ... & yet perfectly timed. As I say, what will be, will be.

Thank you Beloved for the amazing happenings I feel within & around me. Thank you for the beautiful voice that opened & blessed me with more than I can ever begin to explain.
Thank you for our delightful wonky Christmas tree & the one very strong branch that seems to be carrying all the baubles!
Thank you for adventure, excitement & life!!!

Amen x x x

12th December - kindness

2008-12-13T06:08:00.000-08:00

After a few days of the lurgy, have not gone to college this weekend, I also feel it is important I stay at home this weekend - I do not know why, just know home is where I am meant to be.

Meditated first thing as usual - it was more than a morning "shower of light."

An Angel removed a cloak from off my shoulders - sorry, I am hearing "layer" - my shoulders felt less painful as they have been quite heavy this week - as I write now I recognise a huge difference - something was opened at the back of my heart center & I was told to be kind to myself & embrace others into that kindness, it was far more than before, more an extension of kindness energy living within & around me, touching far & wide ...

I was then shown a castle door, it was slightly open, extremely bright light seeping out of the crack. I went in, it was very, very beautiful & rich. I was lead up a winding staircase, no sorry, "called" because I could hear a child crying.
I found her crying in a room alone. She was on the floor hugging her knees, no more than four. She said"You were going to leave without me, you've forgotten to love me." She ran into my arms, as I lifted her up she wrapped her tiny arms around my neck, holding tight.... then very oddly, she changed in to a monster, a wild monster clawing at my throat. I held her at arms length to see her face was split in two - she was beauty & monster.
The Angel with me said "kindness" again to me & showed me that I can still be very hard on myself still, when I speak "foul" language I suppose, it hurts my throat as I feel disappointed in myself even though they are simply words - that unrealistic ideal I have in my head set by "men" in my life, that it is not princess like or lady like - yet on the other hand it is OK for them to let loose more than the occasional swear word. I also feel these words are so unlike me ... need to spend some more time with this energy!

Funny, as later on Morgan said to me - "You know, it's OK Mummy. You don't swear half as much as Gordon Ramsey. It is only a word, so stop being so hard on your self. It's OK." He patted my knee as if to reassure me & carried on being Morgan.

I meditated again at Midday until after 12,12. I felt more than "saw", lots of activity in my aura. I remembered that I "see" more clearly now when I look through my heart rather than my brow so I drew my vision down... I saw exactly what I was meditating in front of, my altar, yet there was the outline of a "hole" in the air, it was being made to separate the present moment of illusion - to another level - with no hesitation I "stepped through it."

I have felt very tired since & am so grateful that the children are asleep & I can snuggle down now. I pray Sunnie will stay in her bed - just for one night!

Just pulled four Inner child cards while sipping on Choco - the first was Earth Child. Not had that before, spoke of being through the "pain" of birthing my true self now, past karmic lessons & chosen learnings - that there is much energy work being done in my aura by Divine Beings, this is a great time now to "get on."

Two cards were together - Robin Hood & the Pied Piper, they both spoke of staying to the Path of Truth, listening to my heart & not to be misguided bu other influences ... the pathway to the castle on both cards I noticed was the same distance. I also felt today & again in the cards that I am being drawn to offering a gift to the "poor", not that I wish to use "hold" others under that label but something is stirring, re prosperity & kindness & I feel a "mission" around children.

The fourth card held three fairies playing music. I felt this card was about my three youngest monkeys keeping Joy present in my life, helping me to stay "light" - their presence felt very supportive & yes - it is tiring homeschooling & being on my own with them but I cannot think of a time that I & the children were happier & settled - they are great "mood" support - they are light, joy, love & mischievous all rolled in to one!

So off to bed after what seems like years since the last bedtime.

Thank you Beloved for this day --- for the guidance & love I have felt within & around me, for the new exciting adventures I feel so close.
Thank you Beloved for home, for my four beautiful children, for love, peace & kindness.
Amen x x x

11th December - Within ...

2008-12-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

Have not forgotten you this week - not felt too bright ... sore throat, earache, generally lethargic - my eyes are streaming!

A desire to be within has been strong, I ventured out today in hope of watching Dale sing at college but the crowds became too much & the pull to go home grew & grew. All went horribly wrong - one of those times when I should have followed intuition & stayed in.

Considering the moon has grown in fullness this week, being full moon tomorrow I have felt peaceful & content. That wonderful under- lying still energy ever present when I choose to be still & flow.

This morning in meditation I was greeted by many Angels, the energy pure & magnificent. Small, very closely placed footsteps were before me reminding me not to move too fast & to keep with the flow of Now.

My heart began to beat a little fast, an Angel asked "Why the fear in your heart, do you not trust we will only lead you to a greater love?"
My heart relaxed, how silly of me to hold fear.

The words Surrender & Release danced in front of me. It is no longer about releasing or surrendering physical objects or patterns, simply remembering to surrender to the flow of energy that carries us now ... release all fear into that expansive ocean of love - & just trust.

What will be, will be - I have grown to learn that much.

Within is where I feel at home right now... within & listening, not missing a tiny step.

Thank you Beloved for Home, for love, for peace.
Thank you for the pure light of the full moon, the magical dance it leads.
Thank you for Choc Tea & warm duvets! x x x

4th December - all this gowing up ...

2008-12-06T09:00:00.001-08:00

Have had such a beautiful day with the children. We are studying Victorian life at the moment, leading nicely into The Christmas Carol & Charles Dickens...

All three of the children have been so attentive & put a lot of pride & time into Their work, each moment has fallen perfectly into place, even their mathematics this morning!

We are reading Inkheart together. It is so lovely that at the end of each chapter they beg for another one, to be honest I can't wait to read the next one either. Time passed really quickly reading this afternoon, the whole world seemed to pass us by. Would really love to do more storytelling courses. This truly feels like a passion writing for children & reading to them.

Harrison has named his new Guinea pig Arthur, in memory of Merlin. He wrote a letter to Merlin today telling him about his new Guinea pig & that he still loved him - we then burnt it together.
When the children set about collecting dandelion leaves for the Guineas to munch on, Morgan popped one on top of Merlin's grave.
The children are just like Angels, always full of surprises & Innocent tokens of love.

Mog asked me to come into the bathroom this evening for a "chat" - sounded a bit serious! I had to explain a few "man" things to him - these new masculine "boots" of mine are really getting tested - think I did OK, he came out quiet cheery & said "Harrison, I've been promoted!" - had to laugh, never heard it put like that before. All this growing up is the only thing that does not seem to be slowing down in my life, right under my nose each flower is blooming ....

Thank you Beloved for the gifts my children share with me, their love, laughter & "fresh" perspective of life. Thank you for home, for love & for treasured moments x x x

3rd December - Yes, I can!!!

2008-12-04T12:59:00.000-08:00

All quiet on the home front. Life is peaceful & calm. A silence beneath the silence can be felt & heard. Thank you x

Have spoken to Nick a couple of times this week & can no longer feel that "nail" in my heart or that part of me that sends huge waves of needy energy down the phone wanting recognition or anything. Even a pat on the head! The "loyal dog" certainly came up last week for me to see - & do you know what, it is time I was loyal to myself first! Hooray! Hooray!

Financial Independence & freedom feels part of my cells & bones, no longer an untouchable dream or goal. Listen to me all comfortable in my new masculine energies - oohhh err!

I see, know & feel I am a "provider" that can meet the needs of my life & the children's. I am full!!!

Thank you Beloved for the richness of all areas of my life, for love, for joy & for peace. x x

30th November - peace

2008-12-04T12:53:00.000-08:00

Feeling fantastic today!

Calmer - flowing back on that beautiful river, the house feels at rest too.

The children have climbed down from their "trees" & are back in the rhythm too - Bliss!

Thank you Beloved for Home, for love & for the peace of life's magnificent river x x x

28th November - Dedicated to Merlin x

2008-11-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

Another whirlwind day.

How I long to return to the flow of the river. Up this morning at 6 for my morning teaching experience at Steiner. Found the children in class 5 were in the same space as the three wise monkeys I had left at home with Katie.

At midday I pulled up in the driveway & Harrison ran out in floods of tears & locked himself in the car with me. Merlin had died while I had been out. It seems the shock of being attacked by Mogwi was too much.

Katie & the children had laid his little body in a box with letters & prayers from the children, hearts & Angel sprinkles. He was warm on a hay bed. The children had decorated the box & painted his name on it. I dread to think how the morning would have been for the children without Katie, she was loving, compassionate & very gentle, allowing the children time for tears & plenty of cuddles.

I felt over whelmed by it all to be honest. Harrison was heart broken.

I gave him some wood to paint to make a little cross & then we gave Merlin a burial service in the garden. Poor Sheep has cried all day, his eyes were so red by dinner time.

This evening we all cuddled up with chocolates & a movie, all seemed more peaceful. The children have fallen straight to sleep.

It has been a tiring day for all - well week really - emotionally"stretching".

Katie gave me a healing once all was quiet. Before I have felt the Angels "taking out", this time I felt spaces were being filled. I felt the presence of Jesus & most comfortable in his male loving energy. I saw a glass & wine was poured. I said "half full" & realised that a huge shift had occurred in my consciousness of abundance. Not only in how quick I was & how natural it was to say "half full "but also how easy it was to allow spaces to be filled - to receive.

Tears fill my eyes again, I feel change no longer breathing down the back of my neck but all around me & I know I must follow...

Thank you Beloved Angels for the Katie & the love she blessed my children with today, thank you.

Thank you for filled spaces & fullness.

Thank you for Class 5, my children & all that is shared with me.

Thank you for little Merlin, may his spirit be safe with you.

Amen x x x

Ps - Took off a crown of thorns & a nail out of my heart & gave them to the light - no more self sacrifice!

27th November - bigger pictures

2008-11-30T13:33:00.000-08:00

What a day!!!

Morning began well as they do - morning cuddles, chit chat breakfast, wash, clean teeth ..... & then catrasophe! The same every bloomin morning ever since Nick gave into Sunnie's "rather good actually" damsel in distress tears & bought not one but three guinea pigs!!

Arguements every morning about cleaning the beds out, water bottles ... I refuse to take responsibility for them, the children need to be responsible for their choice to have a pet & love them. Harrison can't bear anyone doing less than him, the old hard done by act gets played, Mog just wants to kick the ball about the garden & Sunnie just wants to pet them & not touch the poo!

This morning "Merlin" was not himself, whimpering in a corner with white hard stuff on his back, at first glance it looked like he had been attacked by one other the other guineas & the white looked like bone. So I called the vet & took Merlin in, to be embarrassingly told the Guinea pigs were getting over excited & dominant & Merlin was clearly upset by the whole experience, bless him. So we have had to get another hutch & separate them - can you believe it - now there are 2 hutches for the children to clean out!!

Thank goodness Sainsburys are offering a great deal In Baileys at the moment.

The children decided to prepare the new hutch, kindly donated by the pet shop (thank you Angels) in the hallway while I cooked dinner - a sawdust "party" was had by the toads & then my hoover decided to be bulimic & just chuck out everything that I was trying to clear up - aargghhh!

Dare to say it is now 1130pm & I am grateful for the peace & quiet of the house & my opportunity to get all of my chest & write to you.

School went well today, we have finished our project with a great alien painting & story each. I have learnt so much working with the children & was glad to see by the "end of project quiz" that the children have taken a lot in too - although Sunnie seemed to think she was getting paid for her good quiz result! Madame!

New Moon today. Sat & drew intentions this evening & wrote down a few practical steps I can take to assist my intentions along the way.

Feeling a bit funny about it - a lump in my throat - there has just been so much change since well 2000 but most visibly since last November. So many & so much has left & big pieces too. The spaces are not empty, I feel I have expanded into those spaces & feel content with the pace of my life - not sure I could handle more change right now in this be- ing content, yet I know the change I feel "pushing" is Higher Gifts. I am also ware I want & need to 100% trust that to let go & let all flow in - as I said I am content & part of me, well all of me likes this pace of life.

I ask Beloved that you help me to trust in bigger pictures, I ask that any fears I may hold may be replaced with love. Thank you.

Amen x x

26th November - Love & responsibilty

2008-11-30T13:10:00.000-08:00

"Space" I said - "not on your Nelly" replied my children!

Another crazy morning with the children. Three headless chickens all clucking in different directions - surprised I have any sanity left at all. Had to have a "chat" with them today about home schooling being my choice but it was made for their well being & happiness so would be nice if they joined in this week. Used the guinea pigs (knew they would come in handy at some point) as an example of love & responsibility even when they have to clean up Guinea poo!

Went out for a walk with Lulu on the Downs & as if by magic I returned home with three adorable children again - no, I didn't leave my three tied to an oak tree but I did take a rope just in case *grin*.

I feel much lighter this evening, wonderful what Mother Nature does for us as we breath in the energy of her hills, her trees & skies. Mediated this evening with THE purple coyote, which is apparently pink turquoise.

At fist I saw a huge & magnificent purple Angel & then a white one - Zadkiel & Gabriel. They placed shields of light around me. The coyote started to howl very loudly & some intense energy work began in my crown, base & occasionally through my spine.

I saw a very grubby me strapped to the floor - the "world" was crumbling away around her, it reminded me of "Never ending Story". I yelled at her to come with me. She said she was waiting for Nick. I told her he was not coming & that if she didn't come I would fall into the "old" with her - she just lay there determined to wait - I yelled & yelled ...

I then saw this was a pain body playing as a trickster, allowing me to believe this is all about Nick but it isn't. This "body" just wants to stay in the old & alive. I heard "self sacrifice". Still a little confusing but I am sure the Angels will spread their light & reveal the meaning.

I have, though it has been an odd week, on a day to day basis been content, secure & peaceful. I don't know where this "need" for Nick is coming from or even if it is a "need". I see as I move, this "pain body" gets most desperate to cling to something that actually does not exist anymore, there is no relationship to hang on to, it has all crumbled away - it hangs on to something that "was" & not "is" for Nick has very little to do with me or to say to me.

I pray that in my "lighter" energy Love will simply comfort this fear, it is certainly not as intense. Singing along to Mama Mia definitely helped *smile*

Thank you Beloved for our walk on the hills today, for our lovely sing song & for chocolate - ohh & Baileys!

Amen x x